The horrors!

 Happy Halloween!

Today was a little emotional. I'm trying hard not to get sucked down the rabbit hole and feeling sorry for myself, but... it's hard. I'm tired... flat out just tired. I worked a lot this week... including today. Yesterday was 11 horses and a 12 hour day. And next week is going to be extra long too. And there are a multitude of things that are bothering me... but it's all little stupid things. Things that I shouldn't be upset about. But I am. And my friends are showing at the Ashland Halloween show... that I was contemplating going to. But I decided not too because we aren't ready and then I had to work.... and maybe it's still the better choice, but.. it's hard... not being able to show. And I know... first world problems. So then I feel awful for feeling sad. Sigh.. But anyways... I'm just struggling today. But after I worked I came home and had just enough time to get to my lesson. Mostly on time... except I had to get gas or we wouldn't have made it home. So I was only a little late. 

Today we worked on the canter. And that's it. Just trying to canter... like a normal horse and rider... straight. Sigh.... It wasn't a bad lesson at all. It was kind of fun. Kind of entertaining. Enlightening, but... damn, it was frustrating and humbling. We've gotten soooo crooked. And part of me is so frustrated that we're this far along in life and still can't get our hiney underneath us and canter like a proper dressage horse. He's happy enough to go around like a hunter and fast. And I'm happy enough to let him because it feels good, but... he's so strung out and not sitting and pushing... and not really through... and definitely not straight. Which means he's never going to strengthen that weak left hind and get off his right shoulder. And if we can't even canter straight... how the heck are we expecting ourselves to do changes??? Sigh. So yeah... It was a battle. It's a battle to keep him cantering... He's not responsive to my leg or my seat... and probably because I'm shutting him down some too. Then my stupid left hand does some crazy shit and goes down and backwards and turns in and... totally blocks him. Going to the left he feels like he's spiralling into a tiny circle yet his right shoulder is flinging out to the east coast... thus I feel compelled to pull his nose in to the left otherwise both of us will fling off the circle and out of the arena... yet that just makes it 20 times worse. And going to the right isn't much better, but different. And then when I can somehow manage to get all of my body cooperating..... which basically takes me actually yelling no to my left hand.... then it's hard... and he won't keep cantering. And at this point my legs are up to my ears digging my spurs into him. Sigh... I even rode without stirrups in an attempt... but it still didn't really solve the problem. Although I did laugh because at one point I asked if I needed to be doing X or Y... and she said "Yes... it depends". She said that riding him was like playing Whack-a-mole. Sometimes you had to do X... then he'd get smart and do something different and then I had to do Y. But the imagery of me whacking body parts that he was popping out randomly made me giggle. It's a perfect analogy. Especially with Dan because he likes his beatings! Which is another problem. A tap with the whip really means nothing to him, so to get a response, I either have to smack him 6 or 7 times, or really wail on him... which then throws me off balance... sigh. So yeah.. it's not his fault. I've created this and allowed this...  

Which is depressing. It's just depressing that... I don't feel like we'll ever be good at anything other than just beebopping around and having fun. And while there's nothing wrong with that... and we enjoy that... I'd also like to do well and progress and... accomplish ...things. So yeah... just a little bummed today. 

But.. yesterday morning was a beautiful morning... and the moon was amazing... and my horse is getting stronger and we are having fun (mostly) and we can do fun things too... and I'll suck it up and get over this little hump and we'll keep moving forward and hopefully get better and better and fix the holes and straighten up and eventually the dressage will be there. And we can get our bronze. And if we don't, well... I'll be sad, but... in the grand scheme of things... I love my pony. I just sometimes forget that THAT is the most important thing.