Stupid hormones.... I spent most of my day trying not to cry... some of my day crying and then the rest of my day frantically trying to fix the schedule for work. Sigh...
I'm guessing it's hormonal fluctuations, but... I just... feel defeated still. We had a lesson. It wasn't a bad lesson. It wasn't great... and I didn't cry. Until after. I think I'm just wanting it to be fixed now. It's been so long since we've been able to just have a good progressive lesson or show.. or feel like we're making progress. And I know, it's not all about the showing. But it's hard... we were having fun eventing at BN and doing well. Not because we were doing well but because we were having fun. He felt good and was taking me to the fences. The sky was the limit. Well, maybe not really, but... he was easily going to take me to prelim... and get me my bronze. And now.... now we can hardly walk. And then... after so many years of struggling... and then finally realizing there was an issue... and not having any vet agree on what the issue is... and then thinking I had gotten a diagnosis and a treatment plan... and then even getting optimistic that we were going to get somewhere and we could start doing things... and then seeing my friends horses with their injuries, treatments, recoveries, and going back to full work out and doing..... sigh.... It's just hard people. It's hard. And I was aiming to go and show with my friends.... and not going to lie... some of my friends have hurt my feelings about it... I just... I'm sad. I'm sad for me... sad for my horse...sad for our goals and dreams. Because... right now... we're just not ready. And that's okay. But... will we ever be ready? Is he ever going to feel good enough to play and do even half of what we wanted to do and thought we could do?? I don't know. And I love him... and we'll have a grand time doing the things he can do, but... it's hard to give up on that dream. Especially when I'm hormonal.
So anyways... we started our lesson at the walk and... I couldn't even get Dan into the outside rein. I was trying... I thought I was trying anyways. We just ran around in circles struggling and failing... And I was trying to do the things I had learned... trying to do the things she was saying... And it wasn't working. And then his tongue came out... which stresses me out so much because I assume it's pain/discomfort... but maybe it's just annoyance at my inability to do things correctly... So finally, she got on. And she had to fight with him a little bit. He sassed her... hopped up a bit, bucked up a bit... but she got him into the outside rein. Then she trotted and got him into the outside rein at the trot. But even still.. he's curled behind the vertical and it took forever for him to let go and not be behind the vertical. When he finally did, he looked good.
So then I got back on. Basically I just need to be more insistent and not let him talk me into things. I can't let him pull my outside rein forward, but I also can't hang on it. I need to be elastic. And when I feel him in the contact, soften and reward. Check the contact by dropping the other rein. And I am allowed to flip him back and forth between the bends to get him to get go. When I feel him stiffen in his back on the right side, bend him right. Get him to yield to my leg and go into the outside rein. Then when he stiffens on the left... bend him left and push him into my right rein. I was trying so hard to not let him overbend right and fall onto that shoulder that I was not using that bend as a way to soften him. But I can.. and I need to! So yeah... we did manage to get some decent work at the end and his tongue didn't come out again, so...
And I know.. it's baby steps. Just like I can't fix my bad habits of my hands in one ride, I can't expect him to go straight in one ride. And I don't.. Or maybe I do... Sigh... now I feel horrible for being so hard on him.
:( And he doesn't even love me. :(
No comments:
Post a Comment