Ride A Test and Avoiding the Rain

So... somehow I lucked out yesterday and had my morning free. Cindy was offering a ride a test for a great price, so I figured why not?! We weren't quite ready considering he had the time off from being lame, the weather, etc, but... I didn't want to miss the opportunity so we went. We did 2-1 rather than 2-3. I felt like we need more help with 2-3, but on the flip side, we're more likely to get our score at 2-1, so maybe we should really focus on that. Plus he wasn't fit enough nor were we ready for 2-3. So... we warmed up, although probably not long enough, and then Cindy blew the whistle and in we went. And... We did it. But I thought it was terrible! Like... terrible!! It felt rushed, and braced, and frantic, and not even really acceptable for first level. Cindy was really kind and gave us a 64% with lots of good scores. She said the main thing she wanted to address was my prep in the corners. She said that I lost of a lot of the advantages the corners had to offer! PREP!!! And she reminded me that the movements at this level where from letter to letter, not "build to a medium trot", etc. So I had to prep in the corners and come out of the corners BAM!! So we ran through it again with Cindy teaching me as we did this time. And it was better! I (sadly) needed her to remind me to prep in the corners but it made an obvious difference. We even had one medium trot that was pretty awesome! At least 2/3 of it... I lost it at the end. And she told me to be quick in the downward within the gait transitions. And we worked on our halt a little... He needs to be active into it. So... it was very helpful and I'm so glad I did it. I just hope I can improve it a lot before the recognized show because... I still think she was about 10% too generous.



Then today I was supposed to meet Kelli and ride. Unfortunately the weather was awful. But we lucked out. But it added to my foul mood...So.... today sucked.... this year sucks... I'm just.. miserable. :(

And I don't know why. My life is good.. I'm just.... sad... I can't find my way back to Hollyland, full of rainbows and unicorns and puppies. Sigh...

I just wanted to have a fun ride today.... partly jealousy of my friends that had awesome jump lessons recently... partly sadness that we weren't at Gibbs with everyone else... partly frustration at our dressage recently.. I just wanted a fun jump ride.

NOPE... I ruined it. I got frustrated with Dan.. I couldn't see a distance to save my life... I got a few nice canters and a handful of nice jumps, but most of the jumps were too tight or too long... and I just couldn't figure it out. Then I got frustrated and mad and took it out on Dan. And then I felt even worse...
Sigh... so then poor Kelli had to just sit there while I cried and felt like a horrible horse mom. Then we went for a hack. In silence while I cried... and then finally I sucked it up and ignored it and we had a decent last half of the ride.

I'm really struggling.... like.... I realize that it's stupid and I don't actually feel this way but right now I feel like I suck at everything and Dan and I are a terrible team and I should just sell him or just trail ride... I'm never going to be able to get a good jump canter and good jumps... never going to be ready for 2nd level recognized... I just want to cry...

And I know what the root of my sadness is.. .I just don't know how to fix it... how to address it. And then I get mad at myself and tell myself to just ... tell it NOPE.. and find joy. And part of me wants to do that, but part of me just... can't...  Ugh... this sucks...

The good news is that we managed to stay dry. I think we rode in the best window to stay dry. It was raining some in the morning and drizzled as we were tacking up and then started to rain once we were leaving, but it was dry while we rode. So yay for that.