Ugh.... I'm so angry, sad, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, confused, and just.... bleh. Dan went today for his supposed last ultrasound and check up and was hopefully going to be cleared to go back to full work. He's been feeling great, other than that mysterious intermittent rein lameness that has been present his whole riding life. But even that was getting better. Dr. Gillis watched him trot and he was sassy! But she said he looked great and even and his muscles were coming along nicely. She palpated him and he flinched up high in his buttocks near his sacroliac joint on the right. She said she didn't get it on the left side but was able to repeatedly get it on the right. So... when we ultrasounded him, she looked at that area and found a small hematoma right where he was sore. She said it was in the superficial gluteal muscle. She said that it was impossible to tell if it was just a hematoma from trauma or if there was muscle tearing which causes the hematoma. And that unfortunately it would take about 3-4 weeks to be able to tell. Sigh... Really!?!?!?! And she recommended I go back to walking for 30 minutes 5 times a week until then. She said if it was just a hematoma, he'd be fine soon and would heal. But if it's a tear... then we could easily make it worse by doing more than walking. And of course, the rest of his butt looked great. His old injuries are healed beautifully and only one site had a small amount of scarring but it was so minimal it shouldn't cause any problems.
So yeah.. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to give up. I want to just say screw it and suck it up and keep riding. I ... JUST.... WANT.... TO.... JUMP.... and carry on! I'm tired of rehabbing. I'm tired of babying. I'm tired of restrictions. I'm tired of not showing or doing fun clinics. I'm just... tired.
And of course we had signed up and paid to show at Chatt this weekend. 1st-1 and 1st-2 only, but still. I was so looking forward to it. And Peri was coming, and Kelli was coming to watch. And a lot of my friends were there. Sigh....
I ended up taking him to Hitchcock woods and doing a walk because... I needed to. I wanted to just go home and cry as it was cold and I was tired and pouty. But I thought a ride would be good for us. Before I tacked him up I checked him myself. He was a bit reactive there but he was also reactive on the other side. So I thought I'd check him with the sticks. I figured if it was a tear, it would obviously show up on the sticks. If it was a hematoma, maybe the sticks wouldn't move. At first they moved, but it was a bit vague and not 100% definitive so I adjusted his sacrum and then they stopped moving. So we tacked up and went. And maybe he was still a bit sedated but he was so good. He didn't spook at any of the runners, even the one that ran up behind us. He got on alert but didn't spook at the tractor that was apparently bushhogging pine straw??? He was super. Until he saw the horse in a sheet in the pasture between the trees. Ha Ha... That made him spooky. But still, he was great. I did end up trotting him a little bit to feel him out. In my head, I couldn't figure out how he gave himself a hematoma.... obviously it was acute. But he was fine Tuesday. In fact, Tuesday was a really good day. And yesterday I worked all day so I wanted to see. And he was sound. Really sound. And happy to trot. He wasn't pulling or trying to run, but I also think he was still a smidge sedated. So then I started thinking.... MAYBE... maybe it really just is a hematoma and he'll be fine to show and keep riding. If it was a tear... wouldn't he be lame? Wouldn't the sticks move? It had to be an acute tear... and he was lame with his first injury and the sticks moved. Dr. Brown said any cellular membrane damage would make them move. So.. that didn't really answer my question.
So.... I got home and checked him again and he still didn't move the sticks. I lasered him and turned him out and figured I'd decide for sure later. For now.. I'm just done and ready for bed.
We didn't actually get up to 21 mph... we only trotted. But I forgot to turn it off until I was in the car for a minute.