Disappointment... Defeat....

 Ugh.....

Today was the day we can start light lunging. So, after spending the day in his stall in the shade... minus his escape and me finding him in Fleck's stall again... (that's the one with the double fans, so smart boy!), we headed to the arena for a little work. It was hot. Mid day and like...95 degrees, but.. we can only do 5 minutes or so of lunging. 

I did some pillar walking and then some pole walking with him. We didn't do a ton because it was so hot and... I wanted to see what he looked like on the lunge. He still looked a hair short on the right front to me. So... I lunged him. He immediately took the lead rope in his mouth and cantered off a few strides. But luckily he only cantered a few strides and then walked and let me catch him pretty quickly. (Cookies in the fanny pack are helpful). 

We went back to walking... and then walked the poles... then trotted. And... he's lame. Sigh... I can't tell if it's front end or hind end. But it's both directions. Dammit. Sigh... So I thought... well, let's try a canter and see if that helps. Left lead canter was okay. Right lead canter was a freakin disaster! He squealed, bolted, and then swapped. I brought him down to the trot and asked again and he squealed again, tried to bolt, and then somehow I guess he tripped up front and faceplanted. He got up quickly and recovered and the back end didn't go down, but... seriously kid?!? He gave himself a bloody nose. And nicked his front left. And so we recovered and made sure everything was fine. I asked once more and he did his weird hopping thing where he almost picks up the left lead but immediately swaps up front so you can't tell he's picked up the wrong lead but... I think he has. And he's holding his head out to the outside. The left lead canter is pretty normal. And then his trot both ways was fine... centered within his body, but... lame. Sigh... 

I'm so sorry buddy. I really thought I was going to help you. So we walked down the hill by the arena and he had to trot where it was steep. And he's still neuro downhill. (and apparently while cantering too). We did a few zig zags up and down that hill back there and then headed home. I gave him a nice bath and noticed he had a ton of butt foam. I'm not sure if it's because it was so hot (but later I lunged Lyric and she was super sweaty but not foamy). I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or a no thing. I did groom him before we went up to lunge and he was less cranky though he was so adamant about me scratching his butt it was hard to tell.

So yeah... I had a little meltdown. I really felt like God told me to do the surgery. So... why would he make it not have been successful? I feel like He tricked me. And... then.... I thought, well no... not really. I said that I really just wanted Dan to be comfortable... whether we could go back to competing or not. And if this surgery took away his pain.. it would be worth it, regardless of what else happened. And... I was tired of the roller coaster... tired of fighting to keep him happy and comfy and going. And tired of the disappointments. And... honestly.. if I didn't do the surgery... I would have always second guessed myself, wondering if that would have fixed him. So, God does know what He's doing. He's right. I just.... sort of hoped that the surgery would have ALSO fixed him.... and made him ridable and happy and maybe, just maybe, we could get a few years of competing together again. I really was optimistic. I really did believe. Especially after the first surgery went so well. So.. I'm struggling right now. Struggling with accepting it... struggling with feeling like I made my pony worse instead of better, because... he wasn't lame or neuro before surgery. Well... not immediately before. But to be honest... he tripped and almost face planted the last ride before surgery. He has had all the weird lameness stuff. So.. maybe he's not worse.. it's just more obvious because I'm looking for it?? And then I had another meltdown because Bless Dan's heart... He really is trying to do his best for me. He's doing all the things I ask him too, despite being so compromised. But he's managing. Barely, but he was doing it. What a good kid. It breaks my heart. 

So Yeah.. I'm not okay. Dan's not okay. I don't know what to do. There's a tiny part of me that still thinks God will turn this around. I know, without a doubt, that He can. But, in my heart, I don't think He will. And I have to trust that there's a good reason for that. There's still something I have to learn... or do, that I haven't done.. that God has asked me to do. And that's fine...I just feel awful that my poor pony has to suffer the consequences for my .... whatever. It's a journey... I just... wanted him to be cured.