Emotional day....

 Today I sobbed into Dan's neck. Sobbed! I so needed that. Still may have to do it again. Sigh... 

This morning started off well. Freddie came and we got Funny trimmed and then Dan got new kicks. I mentioned to Freddie about making him more positive in his angle and he said that it would stress his suspensories. We had also talked about Fleck and what he said about him made sense. So I let him leave Dan's feet as they were. He's not even negative, he's just not positive. Although crap... I forgot to slow motion film him to see if he was landing toe first or not. Dang! Oh well. Anyways... we were talking and I mentioned that I had told a client about spanking Dan and going off on him and she was like "But you're so nice... I don't believe it". He laughed but made a comment that the beatings seemed to be paying off cause Dan was almost being pleasant. And... he actually really was. He snarked at Freddie when Freddie first walked up and Freddie slapped him in the nose (lightly). Dan was then quite pleasant. No real snark faces and he stood still the entire time. He even snuggled me a little bit. I also gave him a tiny bit of cookies, but really only a few and that was at the end. Ultimately... I sort of have come to the realization that... Dan needs some rules and spankings. I'm not "beating" him. And I'll do my best to not lose my cool on him again. And just appropriately reprimand him for naughty behavior and reward polite behavior. I do worry that my "letting him have a say" was teaching him to be a bully. He's so freakin' smart and I think he may have realized that if he pinned his ears, I backed off. So... duh! I'm just positively rewarding his naughty behavior. And I think it's contextual. If he's always cranky when I groom him, then... I just groom him. But if he were to suddenly be snarky when I went to put the bridle on (which is NOT usual for him), then I might consider "allowing his no". So, I'm *currently* happy with my decision to reward good behavior (even with treats) and appropriately punish bad behavior. And I think that he'll eventually learn that it's not a game I'm willing to play anymore. We can find other games to play. But I'm tired of his snark faces and rude behavior. Even Liz mentioned yesterday (which sort of hurt my feelings for him) that she disproves of some of Dan's behavior towards me. So, okay.. fair enough! I hear all the signs. 

Anyways... after that I turned them out and ate lunch and then I went for an acupuncture appointment for me. My shoulder, wrist and thumb are killing me still. I also got cupped. We'll see if it helps. It was nice to at least sit on the heated bed under the heat lamp in the dark for 20 minutes. From there I went straight to Judy's and picked up my hay trailer. It had my 50 bales, plus 95 bales of Peri's hay. Ugh. The one tire was slightly flat. And I couldn't figure out how to strap it down so... I didn't. I just drove slow and took the back roads. Luckily I made it home. Once I got home I opted to ride instead of unloading the hay because I had already cancelled my ride with Kelli and I was irritated at the day. So I did. 

 

Dan was a pretty good boy tacking up although he did get freaked out by the neighbor mowing her yard. Goofy. But much less snarling today. So we went out and walked up to the arena and I decided to tie my stirrup to my girth on the right side to see if I could help my leg. Dude.. it was a little awkward. Mostly because I feel like I wanted the stirrup to go out a little... ie, my outside of my foot felt crammed. But I left it. Because dangit I need to fix that right leg drift. 

So we started our work. We walked and we did pillar work under saddle. I didn't do much in hand for whatever reason. We started trotting and he felt slightly sticky. Not terrible, but... not great. He would kind of work out of it a little, but then kind of not. Tracking left it felt worse. I couldn't quite pinpoint it but it was definitely hind end. Not his usual "rein lameness' up front. Dammit! I wanted to see what the canter felt like... if it was any better with my stirrup tied or not, so we cantered. And he wasn't that lame.. and it wasn't always consistent, so... I figured it was worth a shot. We cantered right first. And it wasn't as awful as Tuesdays' first canter, but it wasn't great. It just felt... wrong again. But not so wrong that he felt like he was cross cantering. We then went left and it was lovely and beautiful, except... as we went into it, he started to pick up the wrong lead, then broke and then his tongue came out. UGH!!!! So we went back right again, after going left to see if it loosened him up. Not really. It was still not great to the right. So then I trotted a little more and he definitely feels more consistently lame. Subtle, but it's there. Sadness. So.. maybe the tongue is pain and we had just gotten over the pain. Or maybe it's the bit, but the lameness coincides with it. I did a few more bits of trot just so I could get video to send to Keelin and then I got off. 

 

I got outside the arena and just cried into his neck. Sobbed. I'm so.... sad. I just want to get back to doing fun things with him and playing. I want him to feel better and not be broken. He just kind of stood there and let me. And then we walked back to the barn but he kept stopping. I don't know if he was hurting so bad he didn't want to walk... or if he was trying his best to tell me he wanted to keep riding and he wasn't done. 

We got back to the barn and untacked and then I put the bemer on him. Then he got his MAP-5 injection. Then I adjusted him. Then I acupunctured him and did electroacupuncture. And then I did some K-tape for his stifle and for his psoas. He was a love and stood so well for his treatment. He's like "Yes, peon.... give me all the good stuff... for I deserve it". Yes, you do little buddy.. you sure do. Afterwards I turned him out and instead of taking off for his friends.. he hung out... even came back in to snuggle for a tiny bit. Like...why is he so cuddly today?! Because I am being mean to him when he's mean? Because he hurts and needs comfort? Because he just knows I need some love today?! I'll take it. 

Then I unloaded some hay, got them fed, turned them back out, and unloaded more hay. After 30 bales Mike had arrived with the pizza so I went in to eat. Plus it was dark by then and I figured it was probably best I wasn't walking around on top of the hay on top of the trailer. No sense in breaking a leg or worse. But I did have to go back out to close my windows and I decided it was chilly enough to put a sheet on Dan so I went out to put his clothes on. I took treats. I was talking trying to find them and heard Funny coming towards me. Awww, I love her. Except, Dan was with her this time. They both came up and mugged me for treats. Then Lyric and Flecky showed up, so they got the last two cookies. I snuggled with them all briefly though Dan wasn't super snuggly. But then he got all mad at Funny and shoed her away from me. And then he snuggled with me. Like... wow! Something is up with him today. Or me. It was so nice though. So of course I started to cry again. I don't know if he's worried... if he hurts... if he just really does like me and knows I needed it, but... we snuggled a bit. I went to leave after a bit and Funny came up and got some loving. She's so silly and sweet. She was sniffing my tears and just... had her nose on me. Which, is what Dan had just been doing, only he's not as blatant about it. Awwww... I love my little heathens. Of course that made me cry more. Sigh..