Ready to work, but not

 Oh Dan... I'm trying buddy, I'm trying... 

This morning I slept in as I didn't sleep well last night. After I fed ponies I went and got more grass seed and got it spread. Then I spread the manure. Then I drug the arena. And then I ate a bowl of cereal. And then I went out to work the ponies. Luckily they were all up by the arena. Dan walked up first, ears pricked and genuinely looking happy to see me! Be still my heart!

I was so tempted to ride, but didn't. We did our pillar work. He's still a bit stubborn about releasing to pressure but he did pillar 1 beautifully walking. We got some good pillar 2 and 3's even! So then I thought, well, let's just lunge at the walk and work on abduction and bending. I paid attention to his footfalls and made sure he wasn't swinging that left hind out too far. He wasn't! He was super. BUT,  he did seem like he was laterally circumducting the right hind. Sigh. At one point he grabbed the lead rope in his mouth and started trotting, so I ran with him and when he dropped the lead rope I let him keep trotting, so I could see. He still looks lame to me. It's subtle (at least for me... for all I know it's a grade 3 lameness.. I suck so bad at lameness). Sigh. We went back to walk and tried the other direction at the trot and he still looks lame. He wasn't being naughty about trotting and went into it on his own the first time but he also came back down to the walk very quickly with little ask, so... maybe he was feeling it. 

We did a bit more pillar 1, 2 and 3 and he got treats and then I turned him loose. He was a good monkey and hung out at the gate while I worked his sisters. 

Then tonight at dinner, he had his ears pricked most of the time. And he was much happier with pricked ears when I put his sheet on and opened his stall door back up. 

Tomorrow I think we will do a walk hack with Kelli for her birthday ride and then maybe I'll have her video him at the trot to be able to send to Keelin and see if it looks any better or worse. I'm also debating taking him to Denali Equine. They have a vet there that works with Dr. DeClue and I just wonder if I'm missing something other than the stifle. Like his psoas or something. 

(random photos not of today, because I was dumb and didn't get any of his cute self!)

Emotional day....

 Today I sobbed into Dan's neck. Sobbed! I so needed that. Still may have to do it again. Sigh... 

This morning started off well. Freddie came and we got Funny trimmed and then Dan got new kicks. I mentioned to Freddie about making him more positive in his angle and he said that it would stress his suspensories. We had also talked about Fleck and what he said about him made sense. So I let him leave Dan's feet as they were. He's not even negative, he's just not positive. Although crap... I forgot to slow motion film him to see if he was landing toe first or not. Dang! Oh well. Anyways... we were talking and I mentioned that I had told a client about spanking Dan and going off on him and she was like "But you're so nice... I don't believe it". He laughed but made a comment that the beatings seemed to be paying off cause Dan was almost being pleasant. And... he actually really was. He snarked at Freddie when Freddie first walked up and Freddie slapped him in the nose (lightly). Dan was then quite pleasant. No real snark faces and he stood still the entire time. He even snuggled me a little bit. I also gave him a tiny bit of cookies, but really only a few and that was at the end. Ultimately... I sort of have come to the realization that... Dan needs some rules and spankings. I'm not "beating" him. And I'll do my best to not lose my cool on him again. And just appropriately reprimand him for naughty behavior and reward polite behavior. I do worry that my "letting him have a say" was teaching him to be a bully. He's so freakin' smart and I think he may have realized that if he pinned his ears, I backed off. So... duh! I'm just positively rewarding his naughty behavior. And I think it's contextual. If he's always cranky when I groom him, then... I just groom him. But if he were to suddenly be snarky when I went to put the bridle on (which is NOT usual for him), then I might consider "allowing his no". So, I'm *currently* happy with my decision to reward good behavior (even with treats) and appropriately punish bad behavior. And I think that he'll eventually learn that it's not a game I'm willing to play anymore. We can find other games to play. But I'm tired of his snark faces and rude behavior. Even Liz mentioned yesterday (which sort of hurt my feelings for him) that she disproves of some of Dan's behavior towards me. So, okay.. fair enough! I hear all the signs. 

Anyways... after that I turned them out and ate lunch and then I went for an acupuncture appointment for me. My shoulder, wrist and thumb are killing me still. I also got cupped. We'll see if it helps. It was nice to at least sit on the heated bed under the heat lamp in the dark for 20 minutes. From there I went straight to Judy's and picked up my hay trailer. It had my 50 bales, plus 95 bales of Peri's hay. Ugh. The one tire was slightly flat. And I couldn't figure out how to strap it down so... I didn't. I just drove slow and took the back roads. Luckily I made it home. Once I got home I opted to ride instead of unloading the hay because I had already cancelled my ride with Kelli and I was irritated at the day. So I did. 

 

Dan was a pretty good boy tacking up although he did get freaked out by the neighbor mowing her yard. Goofy. But much less snarling today. So we went out and walked up to the arena and I decided to tie my stirrup to my girth on the right side to see if I could help my leg. Dude.. it was a little awkward. Mostly because I feel like I wanted the stirrup to go out a little... ie, my outside of my foot felt crammed. But I left it. Because dangit I need to fix that right leg drift. 

So we started our work. We walked and we did pillar work under saddle. I didn't do much in hand for whatever reason. We started trotting and he felt slightly sticky. Not terrible, but... not great. He would kind of work out of it a little, but then kind of not. Tracking left it felt worse. I couldn't quite pinpoint it but it was definitely hind end. Not his usual "rein lameness' up front. Dammit! I wanted to see what the canter felt like... if it was any better with my stirrup tied or not, so we cantered. And he wasn't that lame.. and it wasn't always consistent, so... I figured it was worth a shot. We cantered right first. And it wasn't as awful as Tuesdays' first canter, but it wasn't great. It just felt... wrong again. But not so wrong that he felt like he was cross cantering. We then went left and it was lovely and beautiful, except... as we went into it, he started to pick up the wrong lead, then broke and then his tongue came out. UGH!!!! So we went back right again, after going left to see if it loosened him up. Not really. It was still not great to the right. So then I trotted a little more and he definitely feels more consistently lame. Subtle, but it's there. Sadness. So.. maybe the tongue is pain and we had just gotten over the pain. Or maybe it's the bit, but the lameness coincides with it. I did a few more bits of trot just so I could get video to send to Keelin and then I got off. 

 

I got outside the arena and just cried into his neck. Sobbed. I'm so.... sad. I just want to get back to doing fun things with him and playing. I want him to feel better and not be broken. He just kind of stood there and let me. And then we walked back to the barn but he kept stopping. I don't know if he was hurting so bad he didn't want to walk... or if he was trying his best to tell me he wanted to keep riding and he wasn't done. 

We got back to the barn and untacked and then I put the bemer on him. Then he got his MAP-5 injection. Then I adjusted him. Then I acupunctured him and did electroacupuncture. And then I did some K-tape for his stifle and for his psoas. He was a love and stood so well for his treatment. He's like "Yes, peon.... give me all the good stuff... for I deserve it". Yes, you do little buddy.. you sure do. Afterwards I turned him out and instead of taking off for his friends.. he hung out... even came back in to snuggle for a tiny bit. Like...why is he so cuddly today?! Because I am being mean to him when he's mean? Because he hurts and needs comfort? Because he just knows I need some love today?! I'll take it. 

Then I unloaded some hay, got them fed, turned them back out, and unloaded more hay. After 30 bales Mike had arrived with the pizza so I went in to eat. Plus it was dark by then and I figured it was probably best I wasn't walking around on top of the hay on top of the trailer. No sense in breaking a leg or worse. But I did have to go back out to close my windows and I decided it was chilly enough to put a sheet on Dan so I went out to put his clothes on. I took treats. I was talking trying to find them and heard Funny coming towards me. Awww, I love her. Except, Dan was with her this time. They both came up and mugged me for treats. Then Lyric and Flecky showed up, so they got the last two cookies. I snuggled with them all briefly though Dan wasn't super snuggly. But then he got all mad at Funny and shoed her away from me. And then he snuggled with me. Like... wow! Something is up with him today. Or me. It was so nice though. So of course I started to cry again. I don't know if he's worried... if he hurts... if he just really does like me and knows I needed it, but... we snuggled a bit. I went to leave after a bit and Funny came up and got some loving. She's so silly and sweet. She was sniffing my tears and just... had her nose on me. Which, is what Dan had just been doing, only he's not as blatant about it. Awwww... I love my little heathens. Of course that made me cry more. Sigh.. 

Lessoning!!!

 So... we finally got a lesson with Rana again! I took Funny with us and we worked her first, so Dan hung out in the trailer while we rode. He was a good boy. 

Rana lunged one while I was swapping out horses so I tacked up and did a tiny bit of pillar work and then we warmed up, doing our pillar 1 work at the walk and trot. Which was nice, since he had been standing in the trailer. We started off at the trot and there was a tiny bit of rein lameness. Sigh. And within the first 5 minutes, his tongue came out. What?! Why?! Sigh. But it went back in and then it never came back out. Phew!

We focused on my position to help him. She explained that my right leg was still going too far back. UGH... I think I'm really going to really tie my stirrup to my girth for a bit. I had to REALLY really think about it and even then it was a struggle. We also talked about my hands and the connection. She explained that when I let him go long and low... he tended to tip forward and roll over his front end in his trot. When I sat upright and took a little more connection, he rocked back onto his pelvis and his trot came uphill. Ahhhh... I did feel that! Pillar 2. :) BUT... we also discussed that connection does not equal collection and that also, connection isn't holding him. So,... I'm supporting him and reminding him, but not holding him. We worked on my arms too and my hands. She wants my hands lower and even and closer together. Which, is hard for me because for so long, I thought my elbows were too straight so I was bending them, thus lifting my hands. Nope.. she wants my hands just above the cantle, with my elbows soft but dropped. Which, in my body, feels like my hands are lowered than my elbows. Which they probably are. But it feels wrong. But I did it. And I will keep doing it. I also softened my grip on the reins and softened my forearms. NO POPEYE ARMS! She reiterated that I want a flowing ride... think of it like I'm teasing him with something, keeping it just out of his reach. Like the flag and when I taught him to "target" it. Okay... that clicked in my brain and I felt like I was able to do it better. And also, the reins are there for me to feel what is happening, not to direct. So, if I'm braced or bulding my muscles, how can I feel anything. Following with soft fingers. Okay. I felt like I got it ... or at least closer. I also need to make sure that my left hand doesn't drop. Instead, turn the key. Change the bit in his mouth vs trying to pull his head down. 

I also needed to keep his neck straight and his nose between his shoulders, but with slight flexion. That's a little easier but not necessarily when I'm focusing on all the other things. Gah! But I managed somewhat. Also, tracking right, he tends to throw the left hind out laterally. Which might be because my right hind keeps stabbing him in the gut asking him to throw his left hind out. Doh! So I also focused on riding haunches in to the right. Which, really just put me straight most likely. 

So then I told her about the canter so she wanted to see it. We started with the right so we couldn't say "he was tired'. Oh my... Oh MY! It was awful! It was honestly, probably the worst it's ever been. Even the first canter didn't feel quite that bad. Well, maybe, but... it's not been this bad since that first canter. Ugh. It didn't get better as we kept doing either. He felt like he was on the wrong lead behind... he felt like he was crab walking. It just felt wrong. All sorts of wrong. The look on Rana's face! She was... alarmed! She said it wasn't a four beat.. it was just... wrong. She couldn't even pinpoint why. We tried again and it wasn't much better. So then we went left and it was lovely! Then we went right again and it was a bit better. Rana noticed that my right leg was clamped on so tight and digging into him and back. And that in the upward transition I was pulling down on the right rein. So I was effectively shutting him down. The fact that he was actually cantering was impressive. So I focused really hard on sitting on my right seat bone, putting weight in my right stirrup, and keeping my right leg at the girth. I also had to shift my pelvis a little, almost like a haunches in. Although to be honest, he felt like he was falling super haunches in, but... that was probably partially why my right leg wants to stay where it does. Sigh. So thinking haunches in, helped me. Although I probably should have thought half pass instead to get my weight in my right seat bone. And when I focused on lifting my right rein or not using it, or just not pulling down.. it got much better. MUCH better! Still not as nice as the left, but it was a canter, not some crazy flailing disaster. Rana was relieved and said "We can work with this!". Phew! 

So we quit with that. I've got another lesson next week, so we'll have to work on that in the meantime and work on me a lot!

No videos or photos but I did get some when we got home. 

Soaking up the Magic

 Ugh.. I'm not sure why I'm so blue lately. Well, I can pinpoint what is making me blue, but I'm not sure why I'm fixating on all of it suddenly? Maybe because my friends are all struggling and I'm bearing their burdens too? Maybe because I'm just tired. Maybe because my shoulder, wrist and thumb won't stop hurting and it's wearing on me? I don't know. I just know that today I feel like a failure in so many ways. I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of self control and.. all the things. I'm frustrated with so many things and irritated at my lack of patience. And.. I'm just blue. 

 

So I slept in this morning, which was awesome. My bed is pretty amazing and it was all warm and cozy and snuggly with Mike. After I eventually got up and got everyone fed and back inside it was almost 10 am! Whoops! Mike and I did a "deep clean" on the house. He tackled the bathroom (Yay) and I got the rest. Then we went for a bike ride to get lunch. We went to the Roe and then got ice cream at Scoops. Then we took the slightly longer scenic route home. And then I had to unload hay and grass seed and rehitch the truck. Kelli and Judy were riding but I didn't quite make it in time. And also, I wasn't quite sure I was invited. I mean, I think I was.. it was implied, but because I'm blue I was pouty a little that it wasn't more obvious. Which is stupid. It's just me being pouty and pitiful. But, still. I wasn't really up for a busy chatty ride. Plus I knew that I needed to clip Dan because he was so sweaty yesterday. So, instead of rushing... I gave him a bath. Then I put him on the trailer and the plan was to take Lyric too and pony her. Except.. she wouldn't load. Well, she loaded but didn't stay on long enough for me to put the butt bar up, so... and then she wouldn't load. And then I got annoyed. So, I managed to get her back on, praise her, and then back her off as/before she decided to back off on her own. I tossed her out and was like "Well, no adventuring for you then!". Sigh.. So I guess it was just Dan and me. I thought about grabbing Funny too but she didn't walk up to me so I decided to just go with Dan. 

 

We got to Ashland and he was still slightly damp and for whatever reason my brain thought that bareback would be better than in the dressage saddle. So we went bareback. I ran into Kelli and Judy as I was heading out and we chatted briefly. Dan enjoyed a short game of bitey face with Teller. Hee hee. They are hilarious. They were having fun. But Kelli had to get home and Judy didn't want Teller to eat Dan's bridle, so.. we parted ways. Dan and I spent the next 1.5 hours by ourselves just soaking up the magic. We did some trotting and some cantering and he felt pretty good. We saw deer... passed a few other people but not close enough that I had to talk. :) We also saw a huge coyote in the XC field and we "chased" him. Hee hee. Which, worse case scenario, I suppose Dan and I can become foxhunters. 

 

It was nice and peaceful and enjoyable and helped my mood considerably. We got home at 6:15! Eeeks. Whoops! I fed them and then came inside to cook dinner and eat. Afterwards I decided to go ahead and clip him if he hadn't rolled yet, because... that was the whole point. It was either that or wait til after our lesson Tuesday, which.. would be okay, but this week is supposed to be in the upper 70's and he's so hot! I got lucky because he eating hay near the barn so I was able to catch him without having to hike. 

 

He was actually really good for the most part. He was on high alert so while he wasn't relaxed and soft in his neck (sigh) he was still. I managed to get his whole body done. I thought about leaving his butt, doing the zip clip, but... I wanted to try a new design in his butt, so I just went ahead and did his whole body. There are so many lines in his butt as my blades weren't new, but... it is what it is. We're not showing anytime soon, so... ;) I decided that maybe instead of a T-Rex this time, we could do a dinomite stick. #Danomite! So we did. It turned out pretty cute. I tried to do both sides but the second one was not starting well so I just shaved it all. He was a little wiggly at his withers and the top of his poll, but I was able to bribe him with treats and we got him done with only minimal growling and spankings. Yay!

 

So now, hopefully he won't sweat like crazy in his lesson and be miserable. And hopefully he won't freeze when I pull his blanket off in the morning to go work! ha! But tomorrow at least is supposed to be pretty warm at 8 am and warm up very quickly so.. he'll survive. 

Awesome Ride, but trying to ignore some alarm bells

 Fantastic ride... Dan started slightly pokey and maybe a little hitchy.... eeeks... and the right lead canter started rough again. BUT... it got better pretty quickly and he got a little fiesty, like he used to, once we started playing with some more fun stuff... and then he felt pretty good.

leg yield. tiny bit of baby half pass at the trot... tiny bit of haunches in and shoulder in at the trot. 

canter figure 8's which made him happy. But also, struggled to pick up the left lead a few times.. (which, may be my body positioning as that's the usual tough one) and maybe struggled on the right lead once too. Me?? Am I super crooked? 

And.. he DOES love me! Maybe! After I rode him and gave him a full body rinse cause the poor boy was sweaty! I rode Lyric. And asked him to come keep us company so I didn't die. And he did. And he stayed... (Unlike Fleck! ha ha). Good pony!! He got treats :) 

Homework

 I got home from work at 5 pm today! Whoo hooo! So I went and worked all 3 ponies before it got dark. I did Funny first and while lunging her she got loose and went bonkers flying all over the arena... sliding stops. Child! She put some serious divots in the ground. But it was nice to see that she didn't tear through to the base really, so yay. 

 

After her I worked Lyric in the round pen and then I grabbed Dan after that. I decided he could go up to the arena cause he was a big boy. He was happy to put his halter on and we walked in pillar 1 to the arena. He didn't care that the others didn't come up. 

 

We did our pillar work and worked on all 3 pillars. Good boy. Then I went to lunge him and he grabbed the rope in his mouth and got loose. He also went careening around the arena. Sigh. Seriously guys?! I finally caught him but he did it two more times! Ugh. He was cantering a lot which was interesting to watch. He did seem to prefer his left lead. And some of the time he was on the right in the front but not in the back. Although I did see him swap behind to the right lead at least once, but it was definitely not a clean change... it was only after a long time cross cantering that he swapped behind. But at least he swapped to the right behind instead of swapping back to the left up front. So.. hmmm.. not sure if I should be panicking yet or not. He also managed to canter through the trot cavaletti's... although he was going away from me so it was hard to see exactly what he was doing, especially as the sun was blinding me. 

 

Bad ponies! But after I finally caught him he put in some nice stretchy trot on the lunge. Poor dude was sweaty! He definitely needs a hair cut after this weekend. It should be warm enough to give him a bath. My only worry is that once I clip him, he'll still have to be naked in the morning when it's chilly because it's going to get warm enough during the day to not wear a sheet. But, oh well. He's getting too sweaty when we ride. Or lunge.. .apparently. ;) 

We did get some nice sunset photos and he was more pleasant today. 

 

 

Play date

 This morning was still chilly so I left their clothes on until I got back from the dentist. And since Kelli was coming over to ride, I wanted to drag the arena. So I took the tractor to collect blankets and then drug the arena. I managed to get Funnys, Lyrics and Fleck's off... but I didn't get Fleck's into the tractor quick enough. Dan grabbed it and I thought.. fine, play with it for a second. Ha ha. Lyric was very curious and slightly terrified. Hee hee... Silly nut!

Kelli came after lunch and we got tacked up in the cross ties facing each other. Dan was mostly good until Marvin moved up a bit and then Dan moved up a bit and then he spent the rest of the time snarking at Marvin. But, I'm trying really hard to be nice and sweet to him and take my time and wait until he settles and relaxes and has a soft expression. And I'm bribing him with cookies. Which, is exhausting and I'm not entirely sure it's working, but it does seem to be helping. We headed up to the arena. I had set up some cavaletti's and ground poles. We did our pillar work and then we got on and did our ride. I forgot to start my phone til a few minutes into our ride, but we hadn't trotted yet, so... I was mostly making sure I wasn't trotting and cantering too much but slowly increasing it. And Dan felt... sluggish in the beginning. But he worked into it and got a little nicer. He felt sloppy today though... he lost one of his hind legs a few times. And he kept throwing his right barrel into me/not wanting to bend right. But it did get better. So after a bit I switched him back to his old snaffle bit to see if it made a difference with his tongue. He felt ... heavier... in the contact maybe? But he was good. He didn't do anything with his tongue and didn't seem chompy. We ended up finishing with some nice work. I even attempted a little more leg yield and tried a tiny bit of half pass at the trot and shoulder in at the trot. And he was super! And the right lead canter got much better, so.. phew! 

So... all in all, a good ride and a good boy. I was too distracted to take photos. 

Then tonight.... jeepers... I'm a terrible mom. No wonder he's such a disaster. I went in to curry him while he was finishing dinner before I blanketed him. And I started off doing my positive reinforcement, only if he says yes thing... And bribing him essentially... And then suddenly.. his face was in my face and close enough that he smashed beet pulp and timothy pellet mash into my eyeball. I have no idea if he was just whipping his face around at another horse... or if he was trying to intimidate me... or trying to give me a friendly kiss and he's just violent with his love and affection. But I LOST IT ON HIM! I was so pissed off. I even yelled at him "I'm trying to be super nice to you but eff you you asshat... I go above and beyond, so fine.. hate me... and I'll just beat you when you're bad"... as I was smacking him with my hand, the curry and the brush. I even threw the brush at him. I couldn't help it. Like dude... I'm really trying my damdest to make you happy. Just freakin' stop being such a shithead! And I know.. he's not being a shithead on purpose.. he doesn't love or not love me.. but it just gets to me so bad. So then I was still pissed as my eye is watering... I got his sparkly crop and went back in. I was like "fine.. you want to play like that... we'll play like that"!. And I curried him, with no regard to his feelings. But that bastard kept his ears pricked and his face forward the entire time. He let me brush him with no pinning of his ears. And then when I went to put his blanket on, he slightly pinned his ears and I whapped him! No sir! And then he was polite with his ears pricked the whole time. Seriously dude?!?! Like... do I have to beat you to get you to like me? I know it's wrong.. I know it's contradictory to my whole recent "happy relationship via consent" plan, but... why??? Why does beating him with a sparkle crop work then?!?! Sigh... 

Another Ashland Day

Cold this morning... him and Funny were cracking me up. Two peas in a pod! Seriously, they are clearly related!

Went to ashland today

pillars in hand, then lunged, then rode in the arena. 

struggling with trying to blend my pillar work with ridden work without just riding him on the buckle. Especially because he's "snatchy" with his "release". Got some really nice work today. slight leg yields, even a baby half pass each way. Two lengthens for fun. canter getting nice, especially to the right.

nice hack after. trotted and cantered some. first canter was awful, felt broken. but then tried again in the XC field and much better.. just a little four beat-y, but he was probably more fatigued. 

then back on track sheet for the ride home

home with jammies