So... I went for a lesson with Marian. Becuase... quite frankly.. maybe I do need a tribe. Maybe I need some supportive friends who will go event with me, and take me XC schooling and to do grids and to jump with. Maybe I need a coach at shows, because quite frankly, I seem to be struggling without one. And I adore Kelly, and am not going to quit riding with her, but... she is too busy to come to shows or go XC schooling. So.. I thought Marian might be a good fit. She's got a huge group.. she's always showing... So.. I thought I'd give it a shot.
Of course, when I woke up this morning and went out to feed.. it started raining. And I'm tired... and cranky. BUT... it was just a light drizzle, so I decided to just put on my big girl panties and go ride. And I'm glad I did. I ended up meeting Kelly L out there and she did the thermography scan of Dan before and after I rode. And... nothing of importance. There was no assymetries in his heat to indicate any inflammation. And... that's taking it with a grain of salt, because I know there's no proof that thermoscans correlate with injury/etc, but.. it is another piece of information to add to the puzzle.
So anyways.. we did our lesson. It was... humbling. Marian was great. She wasn't mean or rude or discouraging at all. But she did point out some big holes. And while I'd like to think they aren't holes that have necessarily been there all along... and perhaps they are "new holes', regardless, they are holes. We started out with our warm up and I let him go around noodle neck. Then she had me pick him up. And then she said that his skipping wasn't lameness, but babyness. That it was him trying to evade going into the bridle. And she said that she saw him do it both directions, but the left was more persistent, probably because the left side was weaker. So.. okay. So we worked on rapid fire transitions. She explained that my aids needed to be very specific. For example... leg on meant go. When I wanted to stop, closing my leg was confusing to him, because leg is supposed to mean go. So when I want him to stop, kick my leg slightly out in front. And then when I'm asking him to go backwards... push my legs slightly back. Kind of makes sense... So we did that. And she reminded me that he needed to be in the bridle. I need to stop throwing the reins away and letting him have the softer connection through the transitions. Especially the upwards. Because I'm so focused on getting him to go forward, I'm throwing the connection away. We did canter transitions too and focused on keeping him supple and engaged. Phew.. that was exhausting. My lower leg kept spurring him on, instead of staying quiet. My right heel, especially, kept coming up and I kept pinching with my knee. I was driving with my seat. He needs to just hold the gait until I ask differently. Nagging doesn't work. BUT... Marian also thought that the whip isn't doing much good. That when I use the whip he sucks back instead of going forward and views it as a fight. So.. maybe we try to use more leg... but an effective leg, not a nagging leg. Maybe we pony club kick or rapid fire kick or a quick spur... Sigh..
So then we started jumping and it was awful. We went over a cross rail and while he didn't stop and was in front of my leg... I couldn't get my act together. I was falling all over the place and weak. My hands were all over the place. So then she had me work on reaching for the neck strap and pushing down.. and then my shoulders collapsed. Ugh.. It's my damn T-rex complex. I can't figure out how to push my hands forward without taking my shoulders along for the ride. THen we did a grid.. it was a cavaleti one stride to a vertical three strides to a vertical one stride to a cavaletti. And again, the first time through.. my hands were all over the place as was I. The second time was better but.. it was still awful. We did a few more times and finished on a semi-decent go of it.
And then Marian and I talked and she basically said (not in those exact words.. I'm putting words into her mouth) that I'm weak and have no good support base, so... that when Dan isn't good, I can't help him out and I'm at a big risk of falling off. She said that he probably gets tired too and I'm not really strong enough to help him. She had me get into two point and drop my back as far down as I could without collapsing my core... and it was hard and I couldn't get very far without messing up my leg position. Then she had me stand up straight in two point.. and same thing. I coudn't do it. So.. she suggested 15 minutes of leg work every ride... whether it was no stirrups, 2 point, etc.
Sigh.. she's not wrong. I mean... quite frankly... Dan is not a thoroughbred. He's a warmblood. I'm certainly not fit. And while he can probably long trot all day long, he's not strong. He is fit, but weak. And me too. I'm so weak. We've only been riding 3-4 days a week max! And often not even that. And I'm only jumping once a week if that... so in some ways, it's not a surprise that we're weak. She also pointed out that she doesn't school XC the day before a show for most of hers because they are too tired on show day. And there's probably that factor. Especially this last weekend in the deep muck. I think Dan is fit, but... maybe not as fit as he was, and especially not strong in the sitting and pushing department. And even in our dressage, he's not sitting and pushing like he should, so.. again, not strong. I asked her if I should join them at Full Gallop at the end of the month and she said... No. She thought I should spend a month focusing on fitness and strength and getting him on the aids (and ultimately in front of my leg) and see what we've got at that point. And then I mentioned that I sort of thought about dropping back to beginner novice but that it honestly made me feel like a failure. And she said that perhaps it's not failing so much as moving up before we were truly ready. Which... honestly.. kind of hurt. But... maybe she's right. I mean.. clearly there are holes. Clearly we are struggling. And again, while I'd like to think that we were ready and then something went wrong... maybe we just got lucky in the beginning. So... I'm trying to wrap my brain around embracing the mentality that we just somehow let life get in the way and sweep us up and we somehow aren't accomplishing what we thought we were. Quite frankly... I have always felt like I'm way less talented/farther along than I should be for the massive effort I put in. BUT.. maybe my massive effort hasn't really been that much of an effort. Or maybe my massive effort only feels massive because the rest of my life has gotten so ridiculous that the little tiny bit I'm able to give to my passion feels like a lot because I'm so overwhelmed with the rest of life. Which... fine, it's an excuse.. and even a valid one, but... I either have to fix it... or go back and stay at Beginner novice. If I want to move up.. I really need to earn it.
So... that's where I'm at at the moment. I may spiral in another direction tomorrow. But for the moment... my plan is to take off until Fence in April. At least til then. And work on getting stronger. Both of us. I'm going to make more of an effort to ride and make my rides count. And work on getting myself fit. And transition, transition, transition.
And... I'm sooooo frustrated with myself because... this is such a circle. ALL of the trainers have been telling me this, more or less... why can I NOT JUST LEARN IT AND DO IT!?!? Why am I so good at being so bad at riding? And I feel like a "trainer hopper" who is going from one person to the next trying to fix things but... some of it is trying to find a trainer who's availability/flexibility works with me. So.. yeah, I guess I need to stop caring what others might think or say... and do what's right for me. And first, I guess I need to figure out what's right for me. I don't know.. .now I'm tired and rambling...
Hopefully tomorrow I can finish work early enough that I can sneak over to Ashland to ride. Dan and I need a nice long hack, but we'll also do some transitions and some leg work for me.
Oh, and Kelli got some videos for me. He looks pretty nice :)
I feel the same way about my own riding <3 No words of advice, just solidarity.
ReplyDeleteThanks :) :) I'm sure you are very talented and capable :)
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