Saturday, April 4, 2020

And..... that sucked....

You know... ... just... I have no words. I'm just.... so... done.... frustrated.... I give up. I seriously give up. Either Dan is broken... he doesn't want to event... or I suck so bad that I've screwed him up for good... None of these are things I want to admit or acknowledge right now. 

Sigh.. I was so looking forward to today. It was just going to be me and two friends... meeting at Chatt to do a happy easy laid back XC school before we were really on lockdown due to COVID. I wasn't going to be crazy.. just stick to novice stuff. I just wanted to have fun. And honestly thought it wouldn't go too horribly. I don't feel nervous anymore... In contrast, I'm feeling ready to go and jump and even do some bigger stuff. And sure, I might get a little bit more nervous when I get out there and actually face it, but.. I am wanting to do it in my head at least. And it was a gorgeous day. PERFECT XC weather! Glorious blue skies.. fluffy clouds... green grass... slight breeze... warm but not hot. 

So we got started and I trotted and cantered around. He was game. Not wild or anything. I asked for the canter and he picked it right up. I asked for a bigger canter and he gave it. I asked him to come back and he did. I asked for trot and he trotted. So yay! 

I took him over to the water complex, which had no water.. because that's where Bridget was with Teddy and he was being a little bit herdbound. I jumped Dan over the BN boat and he did it, but was a little wimpy to it. So we came again and got bolder to it. Then we did the BN hanging log on the other side of the water and same thing. He went but wasn't quite jumping out of stride. I didn't punish, but pushed more and he was bolder the next time. So then we went to the novice versions of those two fences and again.. by the second attempt on each one he was pretty good. We even got a really nice fence over the novice one. I was thinking... "heck yeah... my position was pretty good too!! When things go well, they go well"!. 

So then... My friend had jumped the Vwinged table jump. The one that Dan has jumped multiple times... in multiple locations.. both at shows and schooling. So... we headed to that one too. The first attempt he stopped at it. Argh... So I whacked him and we came again and he jumped it. It wasn't super pretty but it wasn't bad. And maybe this is where I screwed up?? Maybe not. I jumped it again, and again he was sticky to it. So we came a third time... and he stopped. The same thing... where I actually feel like he's going to it...and this time I swear I even saw a distance... and then.. he just stops at the base. Even to the point of running into it sometimes. So I smacked him and we tried again. And he stopped again. And again... And again. Sigh... So then my friend interjected and said that at this point, I was just running him at it and his balance was long and strung out and he couldn't jump. He wasn't being naughty.. he just couldn't jump from that balance point. Okay... fine.... She's probably right... so I then said "But how the eff do I get him to not run and be balanced and actually have enough energy and impulsion and be in front of my leg?". So.. she offered to get on him. I debated, but she told me to stop letting my pride get in the way.... which, stung a little, but she wasn't wrong. So. I let her get on. And.. she warmed him up and had him cantering quite nicely. Then she sent him over the two fences I started with. And same thing. He puked over them. So she got him going and he jumped them more nicely. So then she came to the winged thing. He jumped it the first time. Not bad... just not quite out of stride. About what he did with me. She got him over it 2 more times and then he shut down on her. He just... stopped. Repeatedly. Same damn thing with me. She got mad at him... she smacked him... she dug her spurs in... He just said NOPE... I'm done. And then he started propping two strides back. So... she got off and basically said that he felt weak and like he wasn't able to push off for the slightly longer spot. He either wanted to chip and add or he wasn't going to do it. She felt like it was hind end weakness. 

So yep... I felt awful. I felt awful for beating him.. for getting mad at him... for punishing him when he tried and the punishing him when he tried and did but didn't do it well enough for my liking. I felt awful for being greedy and making him do it multiple times to perfect it rather than just being okay with him getting over it. I felt awful for letting someone else basically do the same thing to him. (although.. not a dig at her... she did the same thing I did...and it was nice to see that it wasn't just me.... ). Sigh.. so we just sat and chilled and let him catch his breath. And I cried.... and we watched the other two ponies jump happily and forward and boldly over fences. And we cried some more.. Then we hacked over to the other field and I thought... let's just canter over this small cabin. NOPE... Son of a biscuit... Seriously Dan?!?! It took two more attempts and me basically beating him over it to get him to jump it and it was not a brave/forward bold jump. Sigh... so we trotted to the water complex, let him drink, splashed through it some... and then went home. Feeling very very defeated. 

So now... I have no idea... I don't know if I just quit jumping him altogether... if I do a bone scan (whenever that's allowed again and we're back to doing non-essential vet work). ... If I try to foxhunt him... 

Truth be told... I'm heartbroken. I LOVE Him.... like... really love him. And I will do whatever makes him happy... even if it's just trail ride and beach ride. But I also am really sad about not eventing...  I miss it. I would love to get my brave forward eventing horse back... even if I have to hack him because he's too rowdy to hand walk at shows. Sigh... 









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