I am so blessed

Which is what I keep reminding myself of. And I am. And I'm not ungrateful. I just... have such a hard time not being a perfectionist and getting frustrated with myself. 

I took Dan for a hack today at Ashland. Brrrrr... it was cold! But we went for a long walk.. and some trotting and cantering. And then we cantered the log on the ground.. and he jumped it great. Like normal. Moved forward to it and happily over. So then we found another one and it went well too. So... I got greedy and went to the XC field and tried to do some fences. Sigh... It didn't go great. It was kind of the same thing at Pine Top yesterday. We did a few fine and then we sucked back at others... and we even had some stops. :( At novice. And... the novice looked big and scary to me again. Sigh.... I'm soooooo frustrated. I thought we were over this. I don't understand what I did... or didn't do... or need to do to fix this. We were going so well. I was making plans. Sigh...  We managed to finish with a few good fences, but.... it is just such a big disappointment. 

So we went for a hill walk. I told Dan that I was sorry that his mother is a hyper critical, super competitive, over analyzing, perfectionist and that I was putting it onto him. I told him that it wasn't him I was frustrated with.. it was me. And that he was pretty amazing and how impressed I was with him. And that I was sorry... so sorry.  Whether he understood... it made me feel a smidge better. But not really. I do enjoy him and I do have a blast. And I am super proud of him and proud of us, but.. it's so hard to not get frustrated with things. I feel like we are stuck and can't get past this level. I can't decide what I need to do to fix it... and that bothers me too because... dangit I want to fix it. Sigh...


Oh well. I let him graze a bunch and then we headed home so I could work on the fence with Mike. Which, we got a lot done, but... not finished yet.