Trying to find some peace

 I don't even know.... I don't know what to do... what not to do... whether to give up... whether to keep trying... how to keep trying... who to go to... I am just praying to hear SOMETHING. Anything... 

 

Today I rode with Kelli at the house because of the show at Ashland. It was a very busy jumper show and they had a ton of people there. And neither of us felt like we wanted to be chatty. So we rode here. But then... it was such a pretty day. Quite a breezy day but pretty. And Mike was going to take a nap. So... I decided to take Dan to Ashland for a hack. I just wanted to be with my pony. I figured the show would be over by now. And... it wasn't. But it was getting close to finishing. So I parked on the edge and threw the bareback pad on him and we headed off to the woods. I managed to avoid everyone. Phew.

 

We just hacked and snacked. It was kind of nice... breezy but nice. We walked to the special place in ashland.. the place where I feel the magic... I feel God...  and I tried... I tried so hard to listen. But I didn't hear anything. No words of wisdom. No advice. Nothing... So we kept walking. I kept praying. I enjoyed my pony. He enjoyed the green grass. 

 

I did a tiny bit of trotting as he was pretty forward and happy out on the trails. The trot felt pretty good too. I tried a little bit of canter. It was sort of hard to tell but it felt like it was the right lead every time. And he kept falling out of it, but that may have been because he wanted snacks. 

 

We headed back after a bit and I did take him into the arena to make sure he could canter on the left lead. He could.... well, he at least picked up the left lead. He didn't hold it for very long but... I didn't ask for very long. And... I'm worried... does riding him make him worse? Am I going to break what teeny tiny little bit of function he has left?? But then he seems like he's getting worse with time off instead of better. So... I don't know. I don't know what to do. And I don't know why I'm not hearing answers. 

 

So I guess... I'll just try to keep him happy with hack and snacks and try my best to not keep testing him.