I had a thought... figured it was worth a shot.
I had a half day at work today so when I finished I came home and grabbed Dan and put him in the roundpen. He's not been on gabapentin but he is back on 2 grams of bute a day. I lunged him and... trot is back to okay, and even decent, but.. he's still not right. He's wanting to canter and it's still labored. And he keeps picking up the right lead when tracking left. So... I pulled him out and decided to shockwave his proximal suspensories. I checked him with the magic sticks and... they were moving on both legs. So.. maybe?! Maybe it's proximal suspensory desmitis and because it's bilateral.. no one could isolate it as a specific lameness... and then that one day that he was acutely lame in the left hind.. maybe it was due to him tweaking it and it being more obvious. So... since I hadn't heard from Kim and wasn't sure what to do... I figured I'd try shockwaving him to see. So I did. He was happy in the beginning but then got a bit fussy and even waved his left hind at me once. He was a bit fussy starting on the right hind but settled into it towards the end. And afterwards.. the sticks didn't move. So.. maybe??? (although, this is probably not an ideal answer).
I went ahead and adjusted him too and he actually stretched the left hip, which was nice. Nothing crazy.. just his usual chiro restrictions. As I was finishing his shockwave I had noticed that my car, which I had moved closer to the barn, now had a flat tire. Sigh... really?! A big fat roofing nail. So.. after I adjusted him, I turned him out and went and got that dealt with. It took forever to jack the car up high enough to get the tire off. Mike let me use his car to take my tire in, and luckily they fixed it quickly. When I came back, I grabbed Dan again and put him back in the roundpen. He trotted off okay but really didn't look any better. And wasn't any more forward. I still had to chase him a little bit. He also kept wanting to canter on his own but it was the icky canter and 4 out of 5 times he picked up the right lead instead of the left, when tracking left. And... I just don't think that's right. This isn't a green baby horse.... or Dan being cheeky and grabbing the lead rope. He KNOWS how to canter on the correct lead. Sigh... Oh well.
Later I did notice him cantering across the field and he was on the right lead. He did swap to the left, and I think it was a fairly clean swap. I missed the swap but it wasn't like he was cross firing for 6 strides or anything. So... still, I have no idea.
I went ahead and ordered the levamisole and decoquinate tubes because... why not?! After I do that... if I haven't come up with anything else... I'll just put him on gabapentin and see if that makes him comfy and we'll just do trail riding and play I guess. I don't know what else to do... short of a bone scan or having Dr. Carter see him... I sort of feel like I've tried everything else. I've been praying... and I think maybe, ... maybe I'm hearing "It's over".. but I don't know for sure. I am praying for widsom... clarity... what to do next... for God to heal Dan as only He can... with divine intervention, because cleary I'm not fixing him. And I don't know if I'm not hearing Him because I'm not listening... or because He's saying what I don't want to hear... is He not healing Dan because I'm sooooo freakin' stubborn that I can't admit that I need help.. that I can't do it... that I'm so unwilling to give up on him that... until I learn that I can't fix him... He won't? Or is it because I need to learn that there's more to life than Dan... or is it because I don't think I'm worthy enough to have my prayers be answered... or because my prayers are really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things... because prayers like Jacel's mom recovering and the neighbor recovering from his cancer and getting out of pain... and Peri's continuing to beat cancer.... and Liz's brain healing more... and Kelli's relationship with her family.... those are more important and I'm just... not worth it. Or because... it's just a stupid horse.... and there's more to life than a horse... And I know... I know that I know that I know... that it's because God can see the whole picture... and I can't. And even if it's not going to end how *I* want it to end, God will make it good. Except.. sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I don't fully believe that God will make it better than I thought or could imagine. I mean.. free will.. maybe I've just screwed up so badly that... Dan is paying the price. Or I am... I don't know.
I just... I don't know. I don't know what to do.. I don't even know what I want anymore... I want my pony to be comfortable and happy... but I'm not even sure what that means at this point... I want to glorify God in all this... and I have before... I told everyone that asked that Dan made his comeback by the grace of God because I honestly don't know what fixed Dan. We did so many things and not one thing seemed to do the trick, so... God. But... I don't know how to glorify God when Dan's not getting better... I'm grateful to Him for letting me still have Dan... I don't know... I just.... I don't know anymore... anything...
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