Pity Party

So... intellectually...I am aware that I'm being a big ol' baby. I understand that given the circumstances, I'm a very blessed and very lucky girl. I also... want to cry and pout and eat ice cream and give up. I finally... FINALLY have time to ride.. It basically took a world pandemic for me to be able to stop and smell the roses... and now.. my horse's ongoing issue has come to a head. Sigh... I just want to ride and progress and play and use this time to get better. 

But no... now I get to obscess and figure out what the heck is wrong with my poor horse. Now that I'm riding more... I'm realizing that he really isn't right. I went back and looked at old vidoes and.. it's so not the same horse. :(

Today.. I met Kelli. She got on before me and was doing her dressage so once I got there I went and watched and got videos for her. Which... was amazing! I miss doing that. Because it's so helpful for both of us. And quite frankly... it was perfect timing because she is doing what Kelly is having me do. And... seeing it on Arwyn made me realize... okay that's exactly what Dan and I are doing, but I'm still feeling like it's not what I want to be doing... I mean.. it just seems like we're going backwards.. So.. basically... Arwyn looked very overbent to the right to me. Like... overbent at the neck, throwing the left shoulder out... etc. Exactly when I'm feeling with Dan. And my body is screaming at me to take that left rein and counter flex him and get him "straight". So... I'm still confused as to how doing what Kelly is having me do (Kelly with a y is trainer, Kelli with an i is friend). She wants me to overbend him and let that shoulder go. In an effort to straighten him. But... He's NOT STRAIGHT! is what I'm screaming. So... it was good to talk to Kelli because she basically said "I know she's behind my leg and sluggish and mincy and I know she's not really on the bit...". So.. okay, good. I didn't feel bad pointing those things out so I asked her about the purpose etc. And basically... I really should have figured this out before.. I thought I was a smart lady, but.. maybe not. But basically it is unlocking the body from bracing... teaching the body how to use muscles that haven't been used, so.. we're almost going from point A to point Z to get to point M. Over doing to then come back to the balanced point. In other words... in order to break the habit, we're overdoing it the other way, which allows the body to strengthen in ways that it can then hold the straight. OHHHHH.... so we're not "straightening" now... we're "Building up to straight". Okay.. THAT I can get behind. And I know, semantics, but... apparently this is how my brain and body work now, so... whatever. But regardless, that makes my brain happier and I think now I'll be less likely for my body to insist that I go back to my old habits. And I was getting it... I was doing it for the sake of doing it, knowing Kelly was right.. I just couldn't figure out why. But now that I've figured out why, I think it'll happen faster and easier for me. 

Anyways.. so after we watched her, we went up to the jump arena and I started to warm Dan up. We got some really nice stretchy trot work... and then Dr. Molony called me back. Sigh... Of course! I wanted to talk to her though, so I did. Unfortunately it took awhile... longer than I thought, but.. I'm glad I did. So then I picked Dan back up and was going to just get the canter I wanted to jump. So.. I got the right lead canter.. fine and happy. Went to get the left lead canter and it felt TERRIBLE. Way worse than the day before... stabby and icky. And he kept falling out of it. Sigh... Kelli said that I was blocking him with my left rein, so we tried again. She got video and thought he looked fine. And.. he doesn't look lame, but it felt AWFUL!! So.. I told her to get on. She did... and she could barely get him to trot... then she got him trotting but it was so mincy and sticky and shuffly. She did get him to canter right... and then left but I had to chase them to really get him to stay in it and he only held it for less than a circle really. She agreed that he was NOT the same horse he used to be. And he was blowing pretty hard and fairly sweaty, and... that's really the only work he had done. Yes, it's hot out... and yes it got hot quickly, but... he has been breathing hard for a few rides now.. .maybe more than that. So... I just quit... we went for a short hack to the lake.. and he bounced a tiny bit out on the trail, but... just a tiny bit. Then he just hacked the rest of the way quietly on the buckle. Sigh... 

I was so depressed I just wanted to go home. We've got an appointment on Thursday but.. I have no idea. I have no idea where he hurts.. if he hurts.. if it's systemic like EPM, Lyme, PSSM2... ??? UGHHHHH.. I just really want my pony to feel good again... and to be honest.. I want him to want to gallop ... and buck.... and take me to the fences... and put 1 in the 2 stride cause he can. I want to have to half halt him... sigh... My poor boy.. 

Long day in the saddle

It was a beautiful day today! A little hot, but gorgeous!

Liz and I had planned to ride together and I guess I was a little confused at her plans.. or maybe not, but... regardless... Dan and I had a nice long day together! I got there before Liz and I knew she was going to come a little later so that I could do my dressage first. So we did. 

We started with a quick hack.. then we did some walk work and I tried to do my homework... keeping him in my rein triangle and keeping him straight. I got him oscillating in his head through the walk and I felt like he was pretty good to my aids. I kept him straight and upright. So then we started trotting and had some good trot. It wasn't quite as consistent but it was much better than before. And I feel like I actually got some outside rein connection without having to have Kelly get it for me. Yay! So then we cantered. And... the left canter felt kind of awful. Just... slammy. Like... he was slapping his feet down rather than flowing. And he wouldn't relax his neck and hang. He kept bracing no matter what I did or didn't do. It got a little bit but not great. The left lead canter was actually fairly nice. He picked it up pretty quickly for me and didn't give me a bunch of grief so yay! We didn't try the counter canter. Not today... Good for me. I'm actually fairly proud of myself for that! 

We did try the shoulder in to half pass trick with moving my shoulders and HOLY CRAP IT WORKS! Like it actually felt like a legit trot half pass. :) :) :) Whoo hoo. We also got a decent lengthen across the diagonal. 

So.. just as I was done... Liz pulled up. So.. we hung out and Dan grazed while I sat on him while we waited for Liz to tack up and ride. She didn't ride too terribly long and Dan was happy to graze in the shade. 

Then we went for a long hack and just chatted. The boys splashed in the lake and had fun. Danny was making us laugh because he started towards G as he was splashing and then looked at him like "ughh... you splashed me!". Hee hee. Then as we were finishing our ride and heading back home... on the narrow trail on the other side of the lake... there was a truck on the path. But it was trying to back down the trail for some reason. Dan got scared and stood there for a minute... his little heart was pounding. He finally spun and just about knocked himself and G out as their heads collided! Luckily he spun and got behind G and then stood his ground, with Uncle G protecting him. Hee hee. The guy backed around and poor Dan spooked and spun again, again putting G between him and the truck. Then he half bolted down the trail for a step or two... and then he was fine. And then... later the truck was in the big field, albeit driving the correct direction this time, and Dan barely glanced at it. Goober!


So yep.. a nice long relaxing ride with two splash sessions in the lake. 

Day off

Dan rested... but was still fairly snuggly, which was nice. Though I feel extra guilty.

And..... that sucked....

You know... ... just... I have no words. I'm just.... so... done.... frustrated.... I give up. I seriously give up. Either Dan is broken... he doesn't want to event... or I suck so bad that I've screwed him up for good... None of these are things I want to admit or acknowledge right now. 

Sigh.. I was so looking forward to today. It was just going to be me and two friends... meeting at Chatt to do a happy easy laid back XC school before we were really on lockdown due to COVID. I wasn't going to be crazy.. just stick to novice stuff. I just wanted to have fun. And honestly thought it wouldn't go too horribly. I don't feel nervous anymore... In contrast, I'm feeling ready to go and jump and even do some bigger stuff. And sure, I might get a little bit more nervous when I get out there and actually face it, but.. I am wanting to do it in my head at least. And it was a gorgeous day. PERFECT XC weather! Glorious blue skies.. fluffy clouds... green grass... slight breeze... warm but not hot. 

So we got started and I trotted and cantered around. He was game. Not wild or anything. I asked for the canter and he picked it right up. I asked for a bigger canter and he gave it. I asked him to come back and he did. I asked for trot and he trotted. So yay! 

I took him over to the water complex, which had no water.. because that's where Bridget was with Teddy and he was being a little bit herdbound. I jumped Dan over the BN boat and he did it, but was a little wimpy to it. So we came again and got bolder to it. Then we did the BN hanging log on the other side of the water and same thing. He went but wasn't quite jumping out of stride. I didn't punish, but pushed more and he was bolder the next time. So then we went to the novice versions of those two fences and again.. by the second attempt on each one he was pretty good. We even got a really nice fence over the novice one. I was thinking... "heck yeah... my position was pretty good too!! When things go well, they go well"!. 

So then... My friend had jumped the Vwinged table jump. The one that Dan has jumped multiple times... in multiple locations.. both at shows and schooling. So... we headed to that one too. The first attempt he stopped at it. Argh... So I whacked him and we came again and he jumped it. It wasn't super pretty but it wasn't bad. And maybe this is where I screwed up?? Maybe not. I jumped it again, and again he was sticky to it. So we came a third time... and he stopped. The same thing... where I actually feel like he's going to it...and this time I swear I even saw a distance... and then.. he just stops at the base. Even to the point of running into it sometimes. So I smacked him and we tried again. And he stopped again. And again... And again. Sigh... So then my friend interjected and said that at this point, I was just running him at it and his balance was long and strung out and he couldn't jump. He wasn't being naughty.. he just couldn't jump from that balance point. Okay... fine.... She's probably right... so I then said "But how the eff do I get him to not run and be balanced and actually have enough energy and impulsion and be in front of my leg?". So.. she offered to get on him. I debated, but she told me to stop letting my pride get in the way.... which, stung a little, but she wasn't wrong. So. I let her get on. And.. she warmed him up and had him cantering quite nicely. Then she sent him over the two fences I started with. And same thing. He puked over them. So she got him going and he jumped them more nicely. So then she came to the winged thing. He jumped it the first time. Not bad... just not quite out of stride. About what he did with me. She got him over it 2 more times and then he shut down on her. He just... stopped. Repeatedly. Same damn thing with me. She got mad at him... she smacked him... she dug her spurs in... He just said NOPE... I'm done. And then he started propping two strides back. So... she got off and basically said that he felt weak and like he wasn't able to push off for the slightly longer spot. He either wanted to chip and add or he wasn't going to do it. She felt like it was hind end weakness. 

So yep... I felt awful. I felt awful for beating him.. for getting mad at him... for punishing him when he tried and the punishing him when he tried and did but didn't do it well enough for my liking. I felt awful for being greedy and making him do it multiple times to perfect it rather than just being okay with him getting over it. I felt awful for letting someone else basically do the same thing to him. (although.. not a dig at her... she did the same thing I did...and it was nice to see that it wasn't just me.... ). Sigh.. so we just sat and chilled and let him catch his breath. And I cried.... and we watched the other two ponies jump happily and forward and boldly over fences. And we cried some more.. Then we hacked over to the other field and I thought... let's just canter over this small cabin. NOPE... Son of a biscuit... Seriously Dan?!?! It took two more attempts and me basically beating him over it to get him to jump it and it was not a brave/forward bold jump. Sigh... so we trotted to the water complex, let him drink, splashed through it some... and then went home. Feeling very very defeated. 

So now... I have no idea... I don't know if I just quit jumping him altogether... if I do a bone scan (whenever that's allowed again and we're back to doing non-essential vet work). ... If I try to foxhunt him... 

Truth be told... I'm heartbroken. I LOVE Him.... like... really love him. And I will do whatever makes him happy... even if it's just trail ride and beach ride. But I also am really sad about not eventing...  I miss it. I would love to get my brave forward eventing horse back... even if I have to hack him because he's too rowdy to hand walk at shows. Sigh... 

Rinse, Repeat....

Poor Dan. It's hard work being him when it's a quarantine! We went for another lesson today.... (Apparently they are allowing outside activities as long as you don't congregate and keep your distance). Jess's farm is super private and Kelly and I kept our distance and wore gloves and decontaminated stuff. :) 

So.. she got on again and worked with Dan. She also cantered today and it made me feel a lot better that she had troubles with him picking up the left lead too. She said she thought it was harder for him because of that weak right hind, but that it was no excuse and he needed to pick up the canter and now. BUT... that we would give him an out by allowing his head to come up and his canter to be icky for a stride or two. But that he was being naughty when we asked for it and he threw his body around trying to avoid it. 

So then it was my turn. And FINALLY!!!! I know it's because she worked him first, but FINALLY I had an outside rein connection tracking right... which also meant that I didn't have to HOLD his head to the inside. We got proper bend with it in without me holding. And I could use my outside leg to keep him straight. It was great! We did a couple circles both ways and a couple of changes of direction. So... the key points are... First... forward! Second... straightness. Third... when he gets in that place, soften a hair and he should go forward to the connection. If he starts backing off the connection, or curling, or chomping.... push him forward! I can't make him come to the connection by shortening.. he has to go to my connection. 

It was a good ending and he was pretty tired, so we didn't do a ton and quit with that. Good pony!

Then on the way home I talked to Kelli and we had a good discussion about how this is really hard to go back and fill in holes but it'll be so important and make life so much easier when we go back to do the tricks. The tricks will happen so much easier and more correctly if we can fix these big holes. But we commiserated on how it was indeed frustrating and hard, but we can do it! Then she shared a great pearl that she got from her lesson that day. And it makes so much sense!

She said that when you are doing shoulder in... you want your shoulders to mimic what you want the horses to do and your hips to do what you want your horses hips to do. Yep... got that! So... tracking right... shoulder in means your shoulders turn to the right and your hips stay straight. So then, to turn that into a half pass right... You would THINK that your shoulders would stay to the right and then you'd add your hips into the right, almost bringing your hips to your shoulders. NOPE! This in effect, locks your right hip, shutting down the hind end of the horse. And trainers always add that they want you to use your right leg as a pole for them to bend around... again, always seems to shut down my right hip. So.. instead.... To initiate half pass... bring my outside leg back, keep my inside leg at the girth, but turn my shoulders out... to the left. That ends up lifting my inside seat bone, which allows the horse to step to the right... It allows me to keep the bend without blocking the horse, and it somehow allows their shoulders the freedom to cross over correctly. Makes a lot of sense! I can't wait to try it. :) 

Anyways... we ended up not meeting Liz for a trail ride after our lesson because... Dan deserves a breather!

More Kelly Boot Camp

So... today I hauled to Jess's farm for another lesson with Kelly. She got on Dan first and rode and said that basically he felt good. She said she thought that the one ride I did manage to get in between last time she rode and now must have been good because he wasn't super fussy in the bridle when she asked, so I must have kept my hands quieter and ridden more off my leg. :) Yay for that! She said he was quicker to give and soften and do what she asked and that he felt better overall. Yay!

So then it was my turn. And man.. it's hard! But it was a little better than last time. He still feels like I really have to pull and HOLD his head to the right when we're tracking right. I still want to correct that outside shoulder, but I was better about correcting it with my outside leg and bringing both of my hands to the left and then back to the right. Sort of bouncing him back and forth in his shoulders to straighten him. I also need to get better about timing my aids and being more specific. If I want his barrel to swing to the outside, time my inside leg with when his inside hind is swinging forward (at the trot, when I'm sitting, at the walk, when his outside shoulder comes forward). And when I only need a little bit more bend, just ask a little. When he's ignoring me or falling in, ask with a lot of leg. Sigh.... I get sucked into nagging him. So it was definitely better. I mentioned that he didn't feel like he was in my outside rein at all and she said that it's because he isn't using that right hind enough, because with her, he does go into the outside rein. Darn! But we did get some good work and my brain is starting to acquiesce that she's right and he's not overbent and his left shoulder isn't flinging out. :) 

So then we went for a short cool down hack on the trails behind Jess's farm. And we couldn't help ourselves (okay, me.... I.... *I* couldn't help myself) so we jumped over her brush box. :) 

Panic... at the disco!

Okay, so.. not at the disco. And no real reason to panic. BUT.. I did. I worked today... and decided to cancel all my patients after my last single one tomorrow because of this virus. Because it's too hard to see that many patients in a day and not feel like I'm spreading risk to all my clients... because it's too hard to pick which patients to see and not see... and because.... my anxiety was kicking in and getting out of control. I prayed on it.... and.. that's the decision that gave me the most peace. Albeit, I'm sure it will be a little bit of a roller coaster once people start getting upset, or call me out for new appointments, once I'm broke... once I have to start trying to fit everyone back in. Anyways... I got home at 4:30 and it was a beautiful day! I'm not sure why I didn't go ride... I guess because I was thinking I'd have so much time to ride soon, I didn't need to today. Then... word came that they were going to do a "shelter in place" plan for Georgia. A few of my friends and I were chatting and we all sort of panicked! Does this mean we can't haul our horses to places to ride? Does this mean that Lucy was going to shut Ashland down? What does this mean?!?! And of course... I haven't been to Ashland in a little bit.... So.. I panicked. And at 7 pm, I tossed Dan in the trailer and hauled him to Ashland and tacked up super quick.

We went for a hack. Because, while I don't have an arena... or jumps... at home... I really would miss trail riding and hacking the most. I could figure out a way to make flatting and grids and small jump courses at home. But... short of tromping around my pasture repeatedly, no way to trail ride. So we did! I wanted a gallop but Dan was tired... he's been ridden more lately because of the lovely weather, the time change, and now my free time because of the virus. We had a lovely canter in the field... we had a nice hack in the woods... we had some great trotting. All in all.. it was lovely! I had to remind myself to take a breath when we first started though because my body had gotten all riled up and stayed on that train for a little bit. But I did. I relaxed and we had a great ride.

Ahhhh......