I saw a post this morning from Susie Larson that I'm taking to heart. It said "We complicate things when we expect God to talk to us the way He talks to others. Or we see someone who claims to hear Him in detail and we wonder why we don't enjoy such clarity. But if we can learn to trust His love and enjoy His presence, we'll eventually learn to rest in His care. We'll go about our day, trusting that if we're about to lose our way, the Holy Spirit will convict and correct us as needed. And if there's something we need to know, God will make sure to let us know."
And... okay... I love you God... I trust you God... Please help me to hear your voice. BUT.... I'm also going to start trusting that I'm resting in His care. That if I start straying from the path He has set before me, He'll give me warnings. And quite frankly.... I think He has... I think that those are those dread feelings I get in my gut, or the warnings... or the lack of peace on something. Or, maybe it's when all the obstacles are stacking up... or it just gets too hard. The tricky part is knowing what it's God telling me "no, you've veered off the path" vs satan taunting me and using my weaknesses to get to me. Am I powering through because it's important and worth it, or... am I powering through God's roadblocks. Sigh... But, I'm going to try to focus more on this and listen to what I'm not hearing... and see what happens.
Ultimately... in my heart, I feel like God is saying that Dan is not going to go back to working as an eventer or dressage horse. He could fix him.... but I don't think He will. Not because He can't, but because He has something better in mind. And maybe ..... maybe Lyric and Funny are my eventers and dressage horses. Maybe Dan is meant to be my in to the western world... maybe we'll play with cows. Or maybe we'll do competitive trail. Or maybe... he'll just be my peaceful trail riding and beach riding pony. And I'm getting really close to accepting that and being able to move on. Except... not quite. Some moments more than others. Some... not so much. Yesterday... probably. Today... I don't know. I'm trying to listen to God... I'm trying to move forward in ways that please Him and are what He has set forth for me to do. And maybe, God doesn't even care whether I jump Dan or not. And I don't mean that snarky.. but its not like I'm doing Gods work by showing Dan. Even if He fixes him and we get to do the Training 3 Day goal... and I praise Him for curing my disaster riddled pony.... how does that really advance the Kingdom? Maybe I'm fixating way too hard on my horse and God's trying to tell me that it's really not important. I'm focusing on the wrong things. And I know there is truth to that. Because... really, "he's just a horse". Except he's not. But I do realize that I've got way too much of my happiness or not wrapped up in Dan. And... that's probably not very pleasing to the Lord. So.... I'm going to have to work on that.
Anyways.... today we met Kelli and Marvin at Ashland. It was a lovely day. The weather was a bit bipolar (not unlike me lately). It was overcast and breezy and then even rained a tiny bit earlier. (Of course while I was riding Funny but not before or after). It looked like it was going to rain pretty heavily when I loaded Dan up but then when we got to Ashland and tacked up, the sun came out and it got steamy! Luckily not for very long... the breeze picked back up and the clouds came back out and it got quite nice. Warm and comfortable in a t-shirt.
We rode in the arena and Dan still felt kind of lame. Maybe not as bad as Friday but still there. He just felt today like he didn't want to load his right hind. He was fussier leg yielding to the left (having to put his right hind under his body), fussier in the left lead canter, and just... overall a bit fussy. He didn't put his tongue over the bit but he was chompier. He was also dragging the right hind toe (Pretty sure) fairly significantly again. Kelli watched him go and said it wasn't as bad as the other day but worse than the last day when he looked pretty decent. He was still dragging the right hind but not leaving a trench. She said he just looked unhappy too... whereas more recently he didn't seem bothered. And she felt like he was throwing his haunches around to avoid loading the right hind. He got a little stabby in the canter and had it straight, so she couldn't tell if he didn't want to load or didn't want to flex and push off. I did ride through it though and it didn't get worse. We did 15 walk to trot transitions each way and cantered a little bit. His canter felt normal in the sense that he felt connected front and back and not like he was struggling like he was before when it was higher up. This just felt like he was lame at the trot. Though his left lead canter was ... more collected at first, which was rather nice but then he felt like he was almost trying to swap behind but didn't.
So... then we went for a hack. He felt very haunches right the entire time. Kelli said he was and he was also holding his tail to the left, but that I was also sitting crooked. Sigh... I don't know if it's me, or my saddle... or him.
So... now I'm wondering if his stifle is bothering him as it's now been a long enough time since it was injected. Which... again, if we're just maintenance, I can do that... so.. toying with whether I go see Dr. Baker (Kristin's super vet who she loves), wait til our Oct appt with Keelin again... try Countryside... or go back to Dr. Barrow. Sigh... trying to listen God... waiting for any major red flags or gut feelings, but also... again, would love some more obvious clarity too please.
It was a nice day though. I am grateful that he was sound enough to hack and that we both enjoy it and honestly have a good time on the trails. The weather was delightful 90% of the time. The scenery was lovely. And he was a good boy.
Why do you keep going from one vet to another to beg for treatments when you never follow through with the rehab programs they give you? The horse is supposed to still be walking and you're already cantering and doing lateral work while admitting that he feels lame while doing these things. As a vet, if you saw a client doing that same thing and they kept coming back to you for more injections and more surgical interventions, would that feel ethical to you? Maybe God is keeping the horse lame to try to teach you to be a better horseman.
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