ughhhhh

 Today is not my day. I'm aware that it is only one day.... one moment... and I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. I think today... I'm so tired (despite 10 mg of melatonin, I haven't slept well at all in 3 days) and I am so tired of being hot and sweaty... and I'm bored.... and annoyed that I'm not doing things, but it's too hot to do things that aren't fun horsey things... so yeah. I'm just cranky. And my shoulder hurts, but apparently it's just an inflamed rotator cuff, so yay for that. And that makes me sad. And depressed. And despondent. But maybe tomorrow will be better. Or maybe Saturday will. And maybe we will get good news Thursday. Sigh. 

So yeah, I got up early for Freddie to come shoe and trim. They were all super! Dan and I did some positive reinforcement (except I forgot to click... sigh) with him standing still and cooperating for Freddie. He's been good lately, but... still. I also made him do soft neck/pillar 1 while we were doing it. Then I took a nap because... I just was exhausted. And it was so humid. And then I went to the bank and the ortho for me. Then I came home. 

And I was torn between working the ponies or spraying weedkiller. It was hot... I didn't have a ton of time... but they needed to be worked... and then it was thundering way off in the distance and the skies were looking dark far away. So I finally decided to work the ponies since a nice breeze had picked up. I grabbed Dan first. And... he was a bit sassy. Funny was cavorting on the other side of the round pen and it was setting him off. We got a few good walks in and then he just got sassy and goofy. Then his lead line came off, so I tried some liberty stuff. And Funny was sassy and scooted, so then he was scooting and trying to bite her over the fence. So he was cantering and not a nice happy hunter canter, the squirty bolty sassy canter. Which meant that he was cross firing and swapping and... honestly, he looked lame. Even when he went down to the trot, he looked shorter on the right hind. Sigh. And then, I started spiraling. I suck. I can't even work him in pillar 1 properly. We're never going to get anywhere. He's lame again. And then, because he was being sassy, he was biting at the air and snaking his face, and then he went to pummel the earth with his front feel before a roll but didn't roll... so my brain went down the wormhole (not even a rabbit hole anymore.. now it's wormholes) that he knows he's not right and he's freakin' pissed about it. He hurts. He's mad because he too is bored and wants to do things but he hurts. Sigh... So I tried to get my crap together and got one or two good pillars 1, 2, and 3 out of him and let him loose. Then I tried to go snuggle and cry with him in the stall and he let me for a minute, but it was so hot in there he decided to leave and go hang with Funny. 

And then I had to get ready for dinner with Aunt Becky and Uncle Wes so I couldn't do much more. And now, after dinner.. I'm still tired, but at least I'm not hot and sweaty. But I'm sad. I'm just... sad. I'm losing hope that God will fix him and let us get back to doing all the things he wants to do, and I want to do. I'm afraid that I got greedy, and instead of just being grateful that I was able to ride and do low level stuff with my guy after the first injury, and then all the others, I got greedy and pushed him. And I'm sad because.... I'm not sure I'm going to be okay with it if that's all he can still do. I've poured 11 years of my heart and soul into him. I adore him. We have so much fun together. And he's freakin' nice! He's a lovely horse. Why can't he get to show the world (ha ha... okay, you know what I mean) how awesome he is?! Why can't we get to do and play and check off those things we want to do? Sigh... It's extra hard because not only is Funny a year out from being ridden, but she's also a hot mess already too. And yes, I could go buy an OTTB and just give Dan more time. Which may be what he needs, but... I've poured so much into him. It's hard to see it all go to waste. And I love him. I love riding him. He's a blast! I just want to get back to playing with him. And I feel like he's bored and he wants to get back to playing and doing things. 

anyways... just sad. I'm hoping our field trip on Saturday will be encouraging and not depressing, and then I'm hoping Thursday next week won't make me go buy another horse out of depression. 

Pics of Dan being adorable this morning. He still pinned his ears and snarked at me when I said hello. Twit! But I know he loves me.