Dammit.

 Well poo. :( I was optimistic yesterday. 

I slept like crap last night.. maybe 4 hours total. It was cold today, although not nearly as bad as tomorrow will be. But I spent the morning doing invoices and acupuncture reports and then I ate lunch and decided to man up and ride. And honestly, it wasn't too bad. I was prepared. Dan maybe wasn't as warm, but... the sun was out and the wind wasn't too bad. Plus once we got to the arena it was much less windy there. 

So we warmed up at the walk and he felt pretty good in all the lateral walk work. Then we trotted. Dammit!! Still lame. Sigh. It's definitely not any better. Except now maybe it feels more like left front? It's definitely worse tracking left still. And it just feels short. He also felt a bit like he was hollowing his back more today. And he was a hair sluggish considering the weather. I didn't have spurs or a whip, and he was going, but he wasn't as forward as I'd like. But maybe he was... he just didn't have as quick of a tempo. 

We played a little bit but honestly... I just wanted to cry. Maybe I did a little. I tried to do our homework and ride him correctly and focus on rehab riding... but I just didn't have it in me today. So we gave up. We headed back home. 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to stop trying... because what if we're right there and just missing one little piece... but I also am exhausted from trying and the emotional roller coaster. But I love him and he's so much fun and we really do enjoy dressaging and jumping. I guess it's a good thing we also enjoy trail riding. 

I don't know. I don't think I'm quite ready to completely give up yet, but... today was the closest I've come in awhile. Maybe my friend is right... maybe I know it in my soul, but my heart won't admit it yet. Or maybe I'm just sad and depressed and need some sunshine and a good nights rest. 

I'm so sorry Dan. I really want to make you feel better. I'm sorry that I can't ride more correctly.. that I don't put forth the energy to doing your bodywork and in hand work to get you more correct... I'm sorry that I'm missing something... I don't know if it's your shoes... your saddle... limb lameness.. body lameness.. GI issues.. me.... I'm sorry buddy. I really am doing my best.. it's just not good enough. 

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