So much drama

 On my end this time. Sigh... Today was a very hormonal day for me. I think I actually did pretty well considering. At least in the heat of the moment. But the aftermath.. and the beforemath. 

This morning was day two of the cavaletti clinic but I took Funny instead of Lyric because they both need it and I couldn't afford to drive both to Athens and back twice, nor did I have the time or energy or desire. And it was fine. Funny is brave enough that she was fine. I suppose. I don't think we overfaced her with the amount of poles or the exercise honestly. I think it's just... where we're at. Anyways... I got up early, but at least I slept better last night. I'm still just overly exhausted. Mostly... I think I'm just so sick of this humidity and ridiculous weather. 

We got to Athens and tacked up and got on and walked around a bit. Then we started trotting and she was quick and distracted but I was able to get her to almost settle. It was me, Veronica and her TB mare again, Kristin and Hottie the pony again, and then Danielle joined us with her TB this time. We were all warming up and then Danielles horse got squirrely so we all stopped while she worked through some anxiety and antics. Funny was a good girl and stood quietly without fussing. She's actually really good at that! She waits her turn patiently. Bonus points. After a bit, we were able to warm back up. I didn't canter. On purpose. 

So we started off with the figure 8 through the triangle poles and then the fanned trot poles. I was actually quite surprised at how well Funny did! She was fussy in the beginning, like when I first picked her up. Which is to be expected. But then once I put her into the poles and rode, she was great. I was able to half halt, slow my post and squeeze my thighs AND close my leg, and she trotted through quite nicely! And soft even. Almost soft. I was a bit surprised and quite thrilled! YAHOO!

So then we waited our turn again and we added the "jump line" without the jump. She got a bit quick and bracy at that point. But we managed to make it better. I had to sit the trot but it worked. 

Then we switched to cantering and it got a bit hard. Funny got through it at first but then she built and got big and started rushing and I started hanging and it just spiraled. And... part of it is because I changed the rules on her. Part of it is because the exercise wasn't one that set her up for success, just based on who she is and how she rolls. It came up quick and she was expected to trot the poles in a slow controlled cadenced trot, rocked back on her hind end, then go into a nice soft canter, also on her hind end, and then back to a nice trot. Easy enough... except it's not. And things escalated and I started getting handsy. And Beth told me to. She told me to not hang though, which I did some. She told me to half halt on the outside rein and keep a firm connection on the inside rein. I was to half halt and go back to neutral. (Not half halt and go to giving). Which, meant that Funny took offense and braced against me. And then I started to hang more and then she braced more. And then she spiraled and then I had to do canter to halts. And I had to get a bit harsh at times. Because she was blowing through my half halts and ignoring me. After I did that she got a little softer. And then we took a breather and then for my last round, Beth had me start off with some canter to halts. Then soften, then walk off softly, then when the walk was soft, then canter. And she suggested that I do a lot of those. And honestly, a few people have said that. And I see the theory behind it. And to a degree, I have been doing that in my flat rides when I get mad enough that Funny is ignoring me or just flat out running, and... then our rides seem to get better. And it got better today too. 

But... it bothers me. There is part of me that feels like I'm teaching her that contact is a horrible thing. That's not an inviting hand to encourage connection. That feels like a punishing hand that is encouraging curling behind the vertical. And while I understand that no one is teaching me/telling me to ride harshly. BUT... by "setting boundaries" with my hand and then riding her up into it... I still feel like that's not how I want to train her. I want her to be super soft in the mouth. But I also want her to seek connection. Which means, she has to let me have a connection. And I'm not sure if I'm actually getting a connection, or just floating the reins to her and avoiding the conversation. Sigh... So I need to have a talk with Liz and Jacel. 

And speaking of Jacel... after Funny and I had our canter to walk "discussion" and she wasn't as quick, I did start riding her barrel to the jump/grid lines. I leg yielded half a step out, then half a step or two in, then back out. And it allowed me to soften my hand a little while keeping her still soft and not running. I think. So, maybe the answer is a little bit of both. I just don't trust myself enough to "hold my line" so to speak. I'm too impatient and ... I want to do right by my horse and I want to make sure I'm not ruining her and I want to make sure I'm not too fast or too slow with it.. and I'm giving myself analysis paralysis. But, I don't think Funny was having a lot of fun with the "heavier" connection. However.. is she just not having fun because she is having to do hard things? Or is she not having fun because I'm not asking her to do hard things in a soft and encouraging way? I don't know. So, we did finish with a more balanced and slower tempo-ed few runs through the grids. Good pony. 

But then I was all up in my head. And cried on the way home too. (I cried on the way there too, because I'm just... all hormonal). For whatever reason (Well, because she's the most talented horse I've had.....) I hold her to a higher standard. And I don't reward her try as much as I should. Mostly because her try feels "combative" to me and aggressive. But, in reality... she really is trying. She's just so much more dramatic and MORE everything than Lyric or Dan even. I felt like I let her down today. I felt like I didn't stay true to our training plan and changed the rules on her and in a harsh way. And I didn't reward the try as much as I should have. And... I just don't know if it's how I want to ride her. But then.. maybe it's how I need to ride her. Even Kristin, who I greatly value and respect, said that sometimes you just have to get in and get it done and get the point across and get it over with (referring to teaching her to accept contact). So maybe I am being too accomodating and I need to teach her to accept contact. Not harshly, but firmly. But then I talked to Cindy and she sent me some AI google stuff that made other suggestions, so... I don't know. I wish I trusted myself enough. 

So, I guess I'll talk to Liz and Jacel. Or maybe not.. maybe I'll just talk to Funny and see what seems to make us both the happiest. Or.. maybe I'll talk to Jacel and Liz. And... thinking on it... my lessons with Liz and Jacel tend to make Funny combative and fussy too, so.. maybe there's no real good answer. UGHHHHHHHHH. Horses are hard.