Sigh.. I'm not one to be like "good riddance to 2022"... because.. it's a year. It's a day at a time... nothing magically changes tonight at midnight. But... right now... EFF YOU 2022! This year has pretty much broken me. I've got nothing left. I clung to hope year round... kept pulling myself back out of the mire... but now... I'm just empty. And yes...there was good to the year. I know (at least logically/intellectually ...) that God is still in control. But right now... I've got nothing. I don't know what to look forward to anymore... I'm tired from carrying the weight of my friends burdens.. I've been praying and praying and praying and it doesn't seem like their burdens are getting any lighter. And while I am aware that we are to cast our yoke onto Him because He can carry our load, I also am aware that we should help carry our friends burdens. So... I ... just don't even know anymore. I'm just sad for my friends, sad for me, sad for my horse, sad for so many reasons. I'm feeling like a failure in so many ways. I'm struggling with my faith a little bit right now... because I'm bitter. And then I feel awful for being this sad and empty because of a horse. And really, it's not JUST the horse. It's all the things... but the horse is a lot of it. And how selfish am I to be so upset when someone lost their niece today... when someone is dying of cancer... when 4 college kids just got murdered... and yet I'm still waiting for my vet report, which might put more clarity into the situation but might just depress me even more. But then I can share the rads with colleagues and get suggestions. Because at this point... I don't even know really what's going on. And I realize that I might not until we get farther into things, but... and then I'm scared to share the rads because... what if there is literally no hope.
I did sign up for immubiome products. I talked to the owner today and he gave me a tiny bit of hope that he can help Dan with their products. And bless them as they are sending me a bunch of product for free. So we'll start that as soon as I get it. And I've ordered him a back on track neck cover. And cervical formula chinese herbs. And equiox. And longer acupuncture needles so I can use electricity to help ease the pain in his brachial plexus. So.. while I'm empty.. I'm still making steps to help him. Because... while my heart may have gone numb, my body is still not giving up. Even if my heart and soul have it seems. I might just be going through the motions right now.
But anyways, The sun came out for a little bit today so Dan and I went to do our homework. I started by bemering him - body and then neck. While he bemered, we did our shift backs... our shift forwards... and our tail pulls to engage the pelvis. I also picked up a front leg and asked him to slightly shift. And... that was a struggle. I'm not sure if it's because he was distracted by Jean's horses running behind him or if it's because he really can't stand on the left front or because he doesn't like the front right being held up because it's squishing his brachial plexus??? Because... I don't know. What else am I going to do? We walked up to the arena and did our pillar walking. I got a few yawns again. Then we practiced our super slow controlled walk. I was trying to teach him how to do it by mirroring my steps but that didn't seem to be working. What did seem to work was beckoning him forward with my finger and rewarding that. We managed to get one (or one front and one hind) step at a time. So we did that and then we practiced straddling the pole while doing that too. We did pillar 2 and pillar 3. Then I did a tiny bit of lunging at the walk. And he grabbed the lead and trotted off. Argh. I finally caught him and we did some more polite work and some more counted walks to finish. Good boy!
Although... he was trying to chew on me some and grab the lead rope so a few times I swatted at him and he flailed. And... I swear he looks neurologic behind now to me. I don't know if I'm just paying close enough attention to it now that I'm aware of that possibility... or if he's gotten worse either because of progression or because of the gabapentin or.. if it's nothing and I'm just imaging things because now... my brain has spiraled into a thought process of him having spinal cord compression because of the arthritis and how he's going to continue to decompensate until I have to euthanize him because he can't function. And it took every last little bit I had to ignore that thought and not focus on it and fall into a puddle in the arena and upset him. But that thought is there. And... maybe that means he does need surgery... and good gravy... can I do that to him? I told him no more stall rest.. no more! But that would mean stall rest... and.. rehab away from home most likely... and the expense... and ..... so yeah... I can't go there yet.
I turned him out after some cookies and while I was working Lyric, he rolled in the river sand, so he's now a nice orange color.
After dinner the fireworks are already going off and it's not even 10 pm. I went out to check on them and they don't seem to mind. Although there's some screeching dog that sounds like a dying dog or goose that is freaking Dan out a little. I'll keep checking on them to make sure they're okay.
So yeah... I'd like to look forward to next year, but... not sure there's much to look forward to.
