I don't even know anymore

 I'm about ready to be off this rollercoaster.... but menopause says NOPE! Sigh... 

So yesterday morning I got a reply back from the surgeon about Dan's x-rays... he's not so worried about a bone cyst...thinks that's just remodeling... but he's worried about a patella fracture. Sigh... I really sort of thought that was the case when it happened! And.. sure enough, looking closer at the rads, it sure does look like a fracture. He wanted a skyline view of the patella, so... called my vet to schedule that. Of course she's out of town next week so... it'll either have to wait two weeks or.. the associate can do it. So... now the associate is going to do it next Thursday. So... down I spiral. 

Then I went to a vet dinner Continuing education event, and.. it was great. And three of Dan's vets were all there. And it was a small animal lecture and they talked about librela and how it occasionally seems to just... explode joints! And he showed some photos. Which were scary. So... Anyways, one of Dan's vets asked how he was and I showed her the photos... and then later I was like "I promise.. I didn't give Dan Librela!". Doh... sigh... All three of them looked and they all agreed... "ooof... that's a lot of pathology". Sigh...

Anyways... so today was bad. I am hormonal (do NOT recommend menopause, for what it's worth). I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm feeling awful about myself (felt like a fraud at the vet conference because I was hanging with brilliant people).... frustrated about the stupid saddle situation again because I'm trying to sell both Peter Horrobin saddles, and now super worried that my Ryder is not fitting Funny and maybe why she's so fussy, and I'm poor... and can't seem to get ahead because of saddles and vet bills and hay.... And I came home and actually had time to sneak in a ride, but.... when I went to catch Funny, her hock is still super puffy and I just didn't think I should ride her. Arghhhh..

But anways, Dan was moseying around when I went out to catch Funny and came up for cookies. And then trotted after me when I moved over to get Funny. Okay... glad you're feeling a little better bud. I'm guessing the butacort is helping! Then he mugged me for more cookies and ended up getting 4 of the 6 cookies I had brought out. Then... when I took Funny to the gate and put her outside of it to graze while I cold hosed her.. he came wandering over... 

I couldn't video quick enough because I was texting the vet about whether I needed to panic about Funny's hock... but he climbed in the water trough with both front feet and was splashing and flailing about... Then when he finally got out of there, he was pawing at the gate. Hard core pawing! Then after I yelled at him for that he was chewing on the gate chain. And then he got bored and wandered to the round pen... and as he was passing into it... he smelled/saw the handful of peanuts I had put on the top post for the crows. Of course he snacked and then couldn't decide if he liked them or not. Then he went in the roundpen and rolled. And then when he got up, he shook and then grabbed the feed pan...  "I'm a tractor.... scoop, scoop".... Oh Daniel.. I"m so glad you're feeling better you big giant weirdo!

 

He finally wandered back to his stall to await his dinner. Goober! But I love that goober! And... he made me feel a bit better about life again, because... I really just want him to be happy and comfortable. So... he seems happier today. And now I know that I'll have to start putting random treasures around the pasture for him to find. Like Danimal Trick or Treat. ;) 

And... he's giving me hope for trail riding again. And, at this point... I think there's nothing to do about his patella other than... more time. We're already almost four months in, so...  kinda too late for intervention I suppose. But.. we'll see what the vets say next Thursday when we get the skyline views. 

Well poo

 Well damn.... I kind of knew it was coming but... really... damn. 

I had made an appointment with Keelin awhile ago.. because she can inject lower cervicals. And because she's awesome. I was originally thinking I'd take Dan because I figured he was do for neck injections... and then with his stifle stuff and Liz not thinking neck... I figured I'd take Lyric because... of her weird neck/neuro/wobbler/stifle concerns. But then... Dan got worse again.... and I sort of felt like I needed to get him seen RIGHT NOW. Because.... honestly... this roller coaster SUCKS. I'm exhausted... he's exhausted. And I figured that if i didn't get a second opinion and didn't get an answer quickly... I might just start hoping again. And... I finally felt like maybe I was ready to admit defeat... so... I decided (the night before... very last minute) that I needed to take Dan. I just... needed a second opinion... needed to know sooner rather than later... and... I don't know.. maybe it really was his neck or his SI joints... I just... kind of want off the crazy train. Except I don't..... I just want to the train to be "thomas the tank engine that could"... not the crazy train. 

(He got a bath last night because he was FILTHY! plus all the nasty seed sap all over his legs and face. The photos do not do the amount of dirt and color of dirt justice!)

So... That morning I caught him and was walking him down to the barn and as we got close, he reared up and pawed the lead rope! NO SIR!!! I honestly think he surprised even himself because the lead rope got caught under his leg so he could have easily torn free, but he didn't. Grrr.... (In retrospect... I think he hurt so bad he really didn't want to go anywhere, but in the moment I was pissed at him!).  Kelli had hauled over here with Marvin and we put both boys on my trailer so I could haul to Aiken. We got to see the video camera of how silly Dan was. He's like a kid..... "are we there yet?". ....entertains himself briefly.. then he gets bored... picks on marvin.... entertains himself... snacks... picks on marvin. Poor Marvin. 

We got to Aiken and Kelli went first. Marvin got his lumbars injected and while they were doing his workup and treatment, I stuck Dan in a stall. He found a cobweb and I looked over and that crazy tongue of his was wiggling all around trying to get the cobwebs out of his nose. Ha ha. I only caught the tail end of it on tape, but he was hilarious. 

So then it was our turn. Keelin heard my story and then we jogged him. He was crooked but we managed to get a good look. She didn't think he looked too terrible so we flexed him. The left hind limb flexion crippled him. The right hind limb flexion wasn't actually too bad.... but it could also be because he wasn't as tolerant of it so she didn't hold it as long. I also wonder (now...) if it's because he had to stand on the right hind for the left, although I'm assuming he was lame on the left hind. So she still thought sacroiliac joints... and that fits with the inability to canter on the right lead a bit. So we took him inside to palpate him. And he definitely palpates sore on the sacroiliac joints. BUT.... she noticed how fat his stifle was. Okay.. I'm not crazy... I was thinking it looked swollen to me too. She said it was crazy effusive. Then I showed her the xrays and ultrasounds from before and she was like "what's this weird opacity in his medial condyle?". Ugh... I don't know. We didn't really appreciate that earlier. So... we decided given the effusiveness to reradiograph. So we did. And ugh... it's awful looking. The arthritis is terrible, but we knew that. But... there does seem like there's a massive hole in his medial condyle. Which... where did that come from?? And why now? And why the medial condyle and not the lateral when he got kicked from the side? So we talked about how... yes, he probably needs his sacroiliac joints injected but.... this stifle was alarming and could be career ending... She made it sound like... even potentially catastrophic. Like... no one said it outloud, but... fracturable. So... then Kelli, bless her, suggested we ultrasound too because we had talked about sending the films to the surgeons at Ocala to see what his thought was. Maybe it was treatable... osphos? Maybe it wasn't a big deal... ??? But if there was a ligament tear or serious damage in the soft tissue... that would help me make treatment decisions. So we did. And jeepers it looked awful. Grossly swollen... full of fibrin chunks.. maybe even an adhesion. I think she saw a tear still/again??? And then you add in the awful arthritis.... sigh..

So we didn't do any treatment because.... we just didn't know what the bony cyst meant. And maybe that's not even causing his pain.. maybe it's the effusion?? I don't know. Sigh... poor guy. So, I am putting the butacort cream back on him.. keeping him on previcox and.. .going to send images around and see what the consensus is with Dr. Tull.. Dr. Eggleston.. maybe even Dr. Grizel. Oh, and Dr. Barrow of course. And then in the meantime... no riding. Give him time. Shockwave him again... 

But ughhhhh.... He's just so miserable. Although I'm hoping/guessing most of it is the effusion. I don't know. I just want him to feel better.... 

 

Icky weather but lovely ride

 Today was my whole free day to ride.... and the weather was stupid. It didn't rain... but it misted all darn day. Luckily it didn't start til I had already gotten to Ashland so I was at least able to get one ride in. But... grrr.... I suppose it wasn't bad enough that I should have just ridden... And I probably could have. But I wasn't super motivated. And I don't feel great because I have a colonoscopy tomorrow, which means... I couldn't eat much yesterday.. and today, only popsicles (yellow) and clear/yellow liquids. So.. I've had no coffee.... and 6 banana popsicles. 

 

BUT... I at least got to ride Dan. I met Sharon at 10 am at Ashland and we took the boys out. I did a lap around the arena of pillar work with Dan while she finished tacking up. Except, there was a lot of traffic at Ashland today because they were cross country schooling, so... Dan was super animated and on edge. But we managed to get some good pillar work in. Since he was so looky, we headed to Green Lake, away from the cross country field. Dan was motoring!! Which, was kind of nice because he can't feel too bad then! Right? So we walked along and had a good time. We passed about 4 people doing yoga at the green lake pavilion. Dan was a little intrigued. :) They said hi. Hee hee... We carried on. 

 

We did the hills by Hookie trail and then went to the field behind halfshire. Then we crossed the creek and hit the woods. And then it started misting but we were in the woods so it wasn't too bad. We ended up back behind cross country... Dan picked the way. Luckily he didn't pick the hill straight up, but the more meandering one. So, lots of hills but not the steeper ones. He didn't feel noticably off, although maybe slightly on the hills. But not like the other day. So yay! We even trotted a tiny bit in the cross country field on the edges and he felt pretty good. Granted, he was distracted by the multitudes of ponies out there, but... still. 

 

He was quite sweaty for how little work we did and how cool it was, but he is quite hairy. He even had a ltitle bit of butt foam. It felt too cool to hose him, so I just sponged him off. He's soooo filthy!! Between the excess hair and the sweat... and for whatever reason.. maybe the lack of grass yet the humidity, my pastures have gone to seed but the seeds are sticky, so the horses are coming in with their legs and noses covered in sticky sap like stuff. It's nasty! I even bush hogged some when I got home because it's driving me bananas. And that's when the misting really starting... so I didn't stay out long. 

 

I still haven't decided if I take him or Lyric to Keelin on Tuesday. sigh... 

 

 

Finding my peace... our peace....

 Oooof, today was a hard day. It's been a hard week.. month... year.... 

Liz came for lessons today. And the last time, we were so optimistic and excited about Dan. And this time... I knew it wasn't going to be the same. He's just... not better. And he's worse. And he's not happy or comfortable. I didn't even bother with the saddle today. I just put the bareback pad on. And he was cranky for grooming too. We hacked up to the arena and met Liz and Grace. 

We talked... I didn't cry. Not yet. She felt him. And... basically ... she feels instability in the stifle. Which... is sort of what I was feeling.... I am more and more convinced that he's got some sort of medial or lateral ligament tear that's allowing his femur and tibia to slide around. It's not glaring... but it's definitely worse than he was doing. I don't know if I did too much... pushed too much... didn't wait long enough... shockwaving it angered it... renovo pissed it off... ?? But he's definitely not better. And way worse. 

So we mostly talked. And he was fussy the whole time... chewing my reins... chewing on me... grabbing my shirt... fussy... he even stuck his tongue out and all we were doing was standing and talking and palpating. So I let him walk around and graze. After we chatted a bit, Liz watched him walk and felt like it confirmed what she was feeling. And then, at the end, I did a tiny bit of trot... just for confirmation. And he actually felt better than recently, but.. it was literally such a short trot. Two long sides worth. 

We talked about things... how I'm extra sad because I wanted to dress him up for the halloween show... but honestly, it's not worth it to do an intro dressage test.. or even an intro CT or HT. I mean... I could.. but at this point, even trotting him feels sort of mean. And, I'm having a pity party too. I really wanted to do a second level test in a tutu. Again. I guess I should be grateful that I've done it before. As we talked... I came more and more closer to... accepting our fate. It's... over. I need to accept that and stop pushing and asking him. I need to embrace long manes and hairy coats, and bareback trail rides... and maybe we learn bridleless riding in the arena.. .maybe I teach him how to rear... we can do tricks and play games. We can do obstacles, maybe some hunter paces, poker rides, .... just.. basically enjoy him as a backyard kids pony. Do the fun things. No stress, no pressure. Sadly, I don't know that I can even retire him as a beach pony... because the beach is hard on that stifle. It hurts my heart... I'm sad for me... sad for him... sad for us. Sad that I kept pushing and stressing him. Sad that he feels my disappointment and thinks it's in him vs in the fact that I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to fix him. I'm sad that he's been so painful for so long that he's a cranky unhappy butthead now. I'm sad that I put him through so many surgeries and rehabs..... and stall rest. 

But.... I'm finally able to accept it. I think. I think I can accept that I did everything I could... and that now... I'll do everything I can to make him happy. Which means... retire him to a trail pony. He likes trail rides... He likes the lake. He likes hack and snacks. I'll let his mane stay long... maybe pull his shoes.... just let him be... him. Goofy ridiculous silly boy. And maybe... we'll find some obstacle classes to go kick butt in every now and then. Maybe we'll play with some working equitation stuff later on. Maybe he'll bounce back again once I take the pressure off... or maybe he won't and I'll just have to be content with "servicably sound trail horse". sigh... "have to be content"....  That sounds awful. I prayed that I could "just have a happy trail horse".... and now here I am complaining about that. God answered my prayers! It could be so much worse. But... it still sucks. I'm still currently mad, sad, grieving, frustrated, feeling defeated, feeling unloved, and also... desperately trying to hang onto hope... 

Currently... I just hope that I can find peace with this... so that Dan can find peace... and go back to his happy self. I don't want him to be guarded and cranky and unhappy. I want him to enjoy being groomed. I want him to enjoy being ridden. I want him to be happy and comfortable. Of course I also want those things while also being able to do more with him, but... ultimately... I'll sacrifice those things. I've tried to have it all, and it's just not working. So... I'm trying to accept that. And find my peace with it. 

I had a good talk with Jacel in my lesson tonight and that helped too. Plus my talk with Liz. And, to be honest... having the girls is helping too. Funny is making it blatantly obvious that I need to jump her and not Dan. I just... don't want to get sucked into not having time for Dan. That's not fair to him either. And sadly, it's what happened to Roany... and then to Fleck... and Dan's still soooo young. But... I do like riding trails. And we've got Charlie elliott and Hard Labor right here. Sigh... It's a struggle... and I'm sure I'll be wrestling with it a lot. I do plan to have Dr. Barrow look at him once more and re-ultrasound... maybe to just confirm my suspicions. Although I'm not sure why... nothing to be done about it... I am also pretty sure I'm going to take Lyric to see Keelin instead of Dan. I was sort of thinking Keelin could be my second opinion on Dan... and maybe I still will.. since Lyric is feeling pretty good. But... also, Lyric may benefit from things and... Dan will likely just... get confirmed what my heart is telling me. 

Trying to soothe our souls...

 Today was lesson day, but I had just enough time to take Dan for a hack. It wasn't ideal as it meant I would be hauling to Ashland three times today... but, I also didn't want to bother riding at home. It was just going to be discouraging. I suppose I could have ridden around the neighborhood, but...he gets weird sometimes. Plus.. no hills. So I said "screw it... let's do it.. it's only time and diesel". So we headed out.

 

When I pulled into Ashland Dan was shaking. I didn't know if he was cold??? I mean.. it's chilly this morning but still 70 something degrees. And he was clammy. Ooooh.... he was freaked out. I don't know why. There were no sprinklers going. They had driven a truck and trailer down and had some water tanks draining from it but that was well after we unloaded, so... it couldn't have been that. I couldn't figure it out. But I brushed off the saddle area, threw the bareback pad on, bridled up and hopped on. I figured he would be better once we got moving. He was POWER WALKING away from the arenas... so we went to ptyerdactyl lake and looped around to the big hill. He was still power walking. Then we headed down by green lake to the magical path. We avoided the school because he was still nutted up. But he was starting to relax. We made it to the hay fields and he was breathing again so we did a little trotting. And then he finally chilled and so we just meandered around. Then Jacel texted that she was having to cancel lessons because one of the kids was sick. So... I just let him pick his path. I am still feeling very hormonal and blue and depressed, so... I asked for a left lead canter for a little bit in the hay field. And he obliged. We had fun. Ahhhh... I needed that. So then we walked some more and then trotted some. Then I asked for a very short right lead canter for a little stint. I don't know... part of me thinks that I should step it way back and build him back up... part of me thinks I need to power through and stretch things out and build him up via the canter. I don't know. But, I opted for a right lead canter. And he obliged. He picked it right up and it didn't feel quite as icky as it has been. Of course he was also on a loose rein and able to stretch out. It was not collected at all!

 

Then we went back to walking and headed around the lake to do those hills. After that right lead canter though, he was struggling on the hills. He did not want to push with his right hind. ugh... I'm sorry buddy. He didn't want to go home either though.. (or maybe he knew I was planning on doing a tiny bit of arena trot work... no lateral work.. just trotting and trotting 10 meter circles). He kept picking the path that led away from home. So I let him have his head for a bit. But then I decided we should head back. I told him I wouldn't do the arena though, because it was obvious that his right hind was struggling up the hills. 

   

We did go to the cross country field and there were a ton of geese! Multiple little herds of geese. I forget what they are called... ganders?? And... without prompting... Dan started towards them... almost herding them. I clucked and he picked up the trot and chased a few off. Unfortunately my camera misbehaved and I didn't record the good part. I felt kind of bad so I pulled him back to a walk but then we chased them a little bit longer (so I could record) and then they went into the water complex. So we had to follow them in there. I did make him trot a few circles each way. Because I'm a mean mom. 

 

Then we headed back home. No arenas! I promised! Unfortunately he was so sweaty from being nervous and then also being ridden. So I did have to give him a rinse. I was hoping he wouldn't get too chilly on the way home but he was fine. Although he's been pawing and anxious as we pull into the neighborhood lately and he did it again today. But then he seemed fine otherwise. 

 

He was extra cuddly tonight at dinner and even snuggled a little. I adjusted him and did some k-taping for his stifle. But he's back to resting that leg all the time again. (not just today.. the past few days). Sigh...  I'm sorry buddy. I'm really sad that Funny nailed you right there... 

    

 

Icky day

I felt icky.. dan felt icky... (ish)

I was getting a migraine but... it was a gorgeous day...

hacked to culdesac and in Art's field very briefly. On our way back (because I forgot I left the water running in the trough) a fedex truck came in. Dan started to freak.. they kept coming. finally got them to stop and jumped off... they were all apologetic, but dudes... stop driving at the horse that looks like he's about to dump me please! Turned water off and headed to pasture to hack to arena. 

Got to arena and got off and set up single pole... did side pass and then straddled the pole. Did it well but not for the video ;) 

Got on... trotted. feels lame. Behind maybe?? guess we go back on previcox. tried to trot a bit longer... did some small circles. but just felt earthbound and sluggish. vs collected. did some leg yields... trying, but... still lame, so... trotted the raised poles twice as he seemed to want to. did some transitions. then headed back home. good boy. thanks for trying.