ALL the treatments

 Well, not ALL. We didn't shockwave today. ;) 

I did adjust him, acupuncture him, electroacupuncture him, K-tape him, and do his rehab work. 

enjoyed it. Love the balance method. I got releases for every needle just about. still sore over his rump though. doh. 

did his rehab walk and a little lunging. No cantering. trot looks a hair better. Also gave his omeprazole/ranitidine and he ate his dinner in full. Ugh... whoops, sorry buddy.

texted dr. and was told 6-8 weeks for neuro and maybe longer for pain, especially given his scarring. so... patience... sigh... more patience... but agreed to go back on previcox, add ulcergard, and could shockwave and do all the alternative stuff. didn't recommend a lameness work up yet.

Upright

 Well... he stayed upright today. 

I worked but did manage to get in a quick rehab walk and lunge. I took him to the culdesac and we did some pillar walking. And then we did the hill and zig zagged the neighbors ditch. He did pretty well though he does look a hair neuro still. He also spooked hard at a bike going by but that was legit. I tried to take a cute photo of our shadows and he stuck his tongue out. Hee hee. Oh, and... I did get more progress with our cookie stretches. He seems looser going to the right now and was able to do it farther without twisting his poll. 

Then we went to the roundpen and I put the bellboot on his right front and lunged him. He was happy to go but is still lame. Today he maybe looks only lame on the front, not so much in the back too. But it's still there and still pretty obvious. I did take the lunge line off and just free lunged him when we cantered because... I figured it was easier. And he stayed upright. He actually looked better at the canter today. So yay! And the footing in the roundpen is a bit more treacherous than in the arena. So... that should help his proprioception some. We kept it short and then I let him stay out there and graze while I fed the dogs and cats. 

I did scan him today before I lunged him and he is still sore in both SI joints and over his hip points on both sides. So, maybe I'll shockwave his pelvis tomorrow. I plan to acupuncture him. I also need to K tape him and electroacupuncture him. I just... was too tired today. I adjusted 9 horses today. (well, 8 plus one acupuncture). And it's hot and miserable. I did at least bemer him though. 

 

Disappointment... Defeat....

 Ugh.....

Today was the day we can start light lunging. So, after spending the day in his stall in the shade... minus his escape and me finding him in Fleck's stall again... (that's the one with the double fans, so smart boy!), we headed to the arena for a little work. It was hot. Mid day and like...95 degrees, but.. we can only do 5 minutes or so of lunging. 

I did some pillar walking and then some pole walking with him. We didn't do a ton because it was so hot and... I wanted to see what he looked like on the lunge. He still looked a hair short on the right front to me. So... I lunged him. He immediately took the lead rope in his mouth and cantered off a few strides. But luckily he only cantered a few strides and then walked and let me catch him pretty quickly. (Cookies in the fanny pack are helpful). 

We went back to walking... and then walked the poles... then trotted. And... he's lame. Sigh... I can't tell if it's front end or hind end. But it's both directions. Dammit. Sigh... So I thought... well, let's try a canter and see if that helps. Left lead canter was okay. Right lead canter was a freakin disaster! He squealed, bolted, and then swapped. I brought him down to the trot and asked again and he squealed again, tried to bolt, and then somehow I guess he tripped up front and faceplanted. He got up quickly and recovered and the back end didn't go down, but... seriously kid?!? He gave himself a bloody nose. And nicked his front left. And so we recovered and made sure everything was fine. I asked once more and he did his weird hopping thing where he almost picks up the left lead but immediately swaps up front so you can't tell he's picked up the wrong lead but... I think he has. And he's holding his head out to the outside. The left lead canter is pretty normal. And then his trot both ways was fine... centered within his body, but... lame. Sigh... 

I'm so sorry buddy. I really thought I was going to help you. So we walked down the hill by the arena and he had to trot where it was steep. And he's still neuro downhill. (and apparently while cantering too). We did a few zig zags up and down that hill back there and then headed home. I gave him a nice bath and noticed he had a ton of butt foam. I'm not sure if it's because it was so hot (but later I lunged Lyric and she was super sweaty but not foamy). I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or a no thing. I did groom him before we went up to lunge and he was less cranky though he was so adamant about me scratching his butt it was hard to tell.

So yeah... I had a little meltdown. I really felt like God told me to do the surgery. So... why would he make it not have been successful? I feel like He tricked me. And... then.... I thought, well no... not really. I said that I really just wanted Dan to be comfortable... whether we could go back to competing or not. And if this surgery took away his pain.. it would be worth it, regardless of what else happened. And... I was tired of the roller coaster... tired of fighting to keep him happy and comfy and going. And tired of the disappointments. And... honestly.. if I didn't do the surgery... I would have always second guessed myself, wondering if that would have fixed him. So, God does know what He's doing. He's right. I just.... sort of hoped that the surgery would have ALSO fixed him.... and made him ridable and happy and maybe, just maybe, we could get a few years of competing together again. I really was optimistic. I really did believe. Especially after the first surgery went so well. So.. I'm struggling right now. Struggling with accepting it... struggling with feeling like I made my pony worse instead of better, because... he wasn't lame or neuro before surgery. Well... not immediately before. But to be honest... he tripped and almost face planted the last ride before surgery. He has had all the weird lameness stuff. So.. maybe he's not worse.. it's just more obvious because I'm looking for it?? And then I had another meltdown because Bless Dan's heart... He really is trying to do his best for me. He's doing all the things I ask him too, despite being so compromised. But he's managing. Barely, but he was doing it. What a good kid. It breaks my heart. 

So Yeah.. I'm not okay. Dan's not okay. I don't know what to do. There's a tiny part of me that still thinks God will turn this around. I know, without a doubt, that He can. But, in my heart, I don't think He will. And I have to trust that there's a good reason for that. There's still something I have to learn... or do, that I haven't done.. that God has asked me to do. And that's fine...I just feel awful that my poor pony has to suffer the consequences for my .... whatever. It's a journey... I just... wanted him to be cured. 

Coming Home!

 and.... there goes my peace and tranquility! Doh!

We stopped at Buccees on the way home to get food. Bad idea. It was the big buccees on 75 on a Saturday in June. It was crowded. Some guy was like "this is an effin nightmare" as I walked by and I had to agree. It took us 45 minutes and we didn't even get the food we had ordered... we just grabbed a premade salad and jerky. Sigh. And then when we got home I went to get Dan at Aubreys. Oooooh, it was so good to see that grumpy face!! And Boop it. And boop it some more. He did say hi to me and seemed happy to see me. Aubrey was having her going away party so that was fun. I hung out and chatted with friends for a bit and had some delicious food. But then I adjusted two horses for her. And that was fine. But.... it was hotter than heck... no air flow.... I didn't bring anything cold to drink. And my battery.. just died! Like... I was good chatting with clients and then all of a sudden it was like... I've got to get out of here! I just want to get my pony and go home. A whole week of peace and tranquility and then ... way too many people and too much socializing! I literally went POOF! Luckily I was able to extricate myself fairly quickly and I grabbed Dan. He nickered at me. I think he was ready to go home too! It was dark by then too! 

 

I was sort of hopeful because while I was chatting with friends Dan was being silly. He was kicking the door with his right front, which is reaching forward with it so yay! And he was being silly... raking his teeth on the walls and messing with his neighbors over the wall. But then when I went to load him up, he was being a butt and wouldn't load for a bit. And he looked a hair neuro... like he sort of walked off the side of the ramp... he was resistant to load (which isn't like him). So.. yeah. I don't know.

 

We got home and he was super happy to be home. He didn't finish his dinner at Aubreys and I hadn't fed the kids at home, so I red him a little bit, but he really didn't eat. While I was letting the others finish and putting water in the middle pasture. (The line is still broken so no auto waterer and thus I had to muck cart water out in the muck cart) he was at his gate KICKING THE CRAP out of it... pawing at it... climbing it. Ugh... sir.. NO SIR!!! I was yelling at him. Sigh... My plan was to turn him out overnight anyways.... because... grass... I'm over stall rest too. And he's now able to start lunging. But golly I was so annoyed and mad at him for not really giving me a choice! 

 

So I turned him out and everyone followed, so I just let them all go out together instead of just putting Funny with him. And they were all fine. Even him and Fleck. Phew.

Now just don't colic or founder on grass since you've been in the dry lot for a week now. 

Breathe.... just breathe

 Ahhhh.... just trust God, Holly... just trust Him. He provides.

After my near breakdown earlier this week... I talked to a few friends and suddenly... all was well again. Kelli mentioned that she got a "vision" or feeling or... something... that the devil was just attacking me hard. And I had those thoughts too. I'm tired... I'm weak... he knows where to hit me. And I was trying my best to remember God... But God. But I was breaking. And Kelli said she sat in her closet and prayed hard over me... she sent me some prayers about putting on the armor of God and.... it was like.. suddenly.. the devil lost his hold on me. I was okay. Talking to a few other friends helped. I... just felt better. Thank you God. I know that was you. And thank you to my friends and clients (who have become friends) for checking in on me and asking how Dan is doing. It means a lot to me and helped remind me that... I have a lot to be grateful for. It's gonna be okay. And if it's not... it's still ultimately gonna be okay. 

So I was in a much better mood, which was great because I ended up putting in a 19 hr day before we left for the beach. Dan got to get turn out time though so he was happy. I think I put them out at 6:30 when I got home and then made dinner for me and Mike and then did stalls and other things and then finally brought them in for dinner and the night at 11:30! 

The next morning he got out for about 1.5 hours or so while I did the barn and got the last bit of things done. Then I had to take him to Aubreys for camp! At this point he looked pretty much normal neuro wise. I may still have seen something down hills had I checked. He's still short strided on the right front but he let me stretch his leg out and really leaned into the stretch. So... ??? He also wasn't real thrilled about bending to the right for cookies though last night he did better with it. Though he did have to finagle himself just right to do it. So... we'll work on it and other things when I get home. I'll do some electroacupuncture and some more bemering (which he seems to like) and maybe get Lexi to come work on him. 

So we headed to Aubreys. I dropped him off in a stall as Aubrey was at a show coaching. She hadn't turned on her fans so she told me I could run an extension cord and bring my own fan, so I did. He's bougie. ;) Ha ha! She messaged me later that night and said that she saw the slight neuro too (Ugh...) but would keep an eye on him and he seemed happy. She said he would get some outside paddock time and some stall time.  I got home with the empty trailer and Funny was so upset! I'm sorry baby girl. I promise he's coming back!!! 

And then.. we finally got to the beach. And thank you God this is perfect!! It's amazing. It's so quiet and peaceful here. The place we rented is perfect. It's on the beach. Literally... we can sit on either porch and look out onto the ocean. I can hear the waves crashing through the closed doors. There's so few people on the beach. I can hear birds and crickets. There's an amazing breeze. It's exactly what I needed. And then I had to laugh because all of my bible verses I had missed lately and were reading were "keep the sabbath hold"... "He leads me beside still waters"... and REST! Okay... got it! Resting!!!! 

It's been great. It was so great in fact, and I was so tired, that I didn't even really miss the ponies until a few days in. But just as I was about to reach out... Aubrey sent me a text with a video of him rolling saying "Proof of life". ha ha. Then today... I was cracking up because she sent me two videos....

Classic Dan! Oh how I miss him! 

She did say she was doing some stretches with him, which is amazing! So.... while I am enjoying the peacefulness here and restoring myself.. I'm also praying. Praying that God gives me the wisdom and knowledge on what to do for Dan to make him happy. And the courage and peace that it will be what it will be and that... even if it doesn't end up how *I* want... it'll be okay. 

Oh, and speaking of good friends... *Thanks Aubrey for taking such good care of Dan* and also thanks to Cindy for sending me Danny photos today too! She said that she didn't see him move but he wasn't snarly when she said hi to him so she does think he feels better. Ahhhh... exactly what I wanted and needed to hear!

Emotional Rollercoaster!

Oi.... I'm super close to a full on meltdown. Today was a bit rough. I'm already so close to meltdown as it is. I am not really truly sure why though? I mean... I guess I am. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping as much as I should. It's hot and humid. I'm stressed about my horse. It's a lot more work. But like... life is always hot, stressful and lacking sleep. So, why is this SO MUCH WORSE!? Or have I just hit that breaking point.... where it's been going on long enough that I'm finally utterly ... spent! I don't know. 

I did manage to sleep in a little bit today. I got up at 5:15 and tossed hay so they would quiet down. And then managed to sleep til 7:15 ish. I went to feed them and Dan hopped to his feed. What?!?! What now?! He was literally 3 legged lame. He was toe touching on the left hind... holding that leg up in the air. Hopping on the other 3. Then he was sort of fine... but obviously sore on the left hind. I got everything else done and pulled him out of his stall. Yep, definitely really really lame. I tried to pick up that leg and pick his foot and he waved it around at me... pulling it out to the side... hopped on the other legs before finally slamming it down. Dude!! I started to cry but then... okay.. maybe it's an abscess as he clearly is toe touching and walking on the lateral side only. I texted Patrick and pretty much begged him to come because otherwise, I was going to have a meltdown. He said that Russel was down the road and could come this afternoon and if he couldn't find anything, he could come at 7:30 or so. They're the best! 

So I decided I would bemer him, but first, I gave him a good groom. Because he was filthy. And.... He enjoyed it. There were no snarls or stomps or air chomps. No ear pinnings. He even wiggled his little lip!! I almost cried. But this time, good tears. And he was standing with his neck relaxed... not braced and guarding! Oh YAY!!!! 

 

 

I put the bemer on him and the leg boots on his neck and soaked his foot. Okay, so... maybe... maybe this isn't the end of the world. He is not neuro this morning. Like... at all, really. Other than he wants to keep that right hind more medial than usual. And occasionally pivots over it vs moving it. But comparatively, so much less neuro. And maybe... if this is an abscess... maybe the left hind lameness I saw post op wasn't secondary to the right front.. .maybe it was primary, and maybe the right front is secondary to the left hind???Maybe we will pop an abscess and resolve both the left hind AND front right lameness. And then the neuro stuff seems to have resolved. And he's happy today! He enjoyed his grooming. Maybe we really did FIX HIM!!!! He really did enjoy his bemer too. But not so much the soaking. And of course, every time he pulled his foot out... he had to wave it around in the air.  

After I soaked him I put him in the roundpen so I could do stalls and he could get some grass. I figured he hurt too bad to jump out. As I was putting him in, Funny came up to flirt and tried to back into him to pee on him and it pissed him off. I don't know if he tried to kick her or tried to back up, but apparently he hurt his leg and then went three legged and then somehow his front leg crumpled and he almost fell down. Good gravy child!! Jeesh. I chased Funny off and eventually got him to move and get in the round pen. And then he was still pretty lame but walking on it. 

 

So... I did stalls and ate breakfast and then it was getting steamy so I brought him in. Russel showed up mid afternoon and I pulled him out. He was still sore and waved his foot around for Russel too. But Russel could not find anything on hoof testers. He didn't react to anything other than Russel initially picking his foot up. So... Russel basically said that it wasn't an abscess or a hot nail and likely higher up. Dammit. And then I remembered that Dan did this once before... randomly. He was randomly lame, 3 legged lame, for a few hours and then abscess lame for about 18 hrs and then fine. And no abscess then. I can't remember exactly but I don't know that I ever figured out what his deal was then. It might have been before Kim came out... so maybe before we did his SI joints... 

So then, instead of crying... I figured I would see what the magic sticks said. Of course they moved at his stifle. But then I adjusted his stifle and the sticks didn't move anymore. So I went ahead and adjusted all of him. Because being hoisted in the air by your legs, being on your side under general anesthesia for 6 hours in 2 weeks, and just being stuck in a stall... he needed it. Interestingly he wasn't nearly as sore as he has been before. But I don't know if that's because the ONE THING HURTS and therefore nothing else really matters? I mean, I did adjust lots of places. (I was very careful in his neck and avoided his lower cervicals). I did also bleed his stomach channel and the bladder channel on the right to help his pain. And he seemed to feel better. But still lame. 

So I have NO IDEA anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I just ignore it and give it more time. Do I message Dr. Tull? Do I get Dr. Barrow out to do a lameness exam? Do I get Patrick to come out and double check Russel? Do I just... do nothing. Because I said I was done after surgery (other than maintenance). It's extra stressful because we leave for the beach Saturday. But, maybe that's actually the best thing. He can go to Aubreys.... I won't be watching his every move. He can have another week to recover from the surgery, the anesthesia, the trauma of both, etc, and... I can have a fresh look at him when I return. And then.... then, if he's still sore... then I can come up with a plan. But right now.... seems sort of silly to try to get Dr. Barrow to do a lamness exam on Thursday... to then turn around and leave. And.. just keep praying!! 

But it hurts my heart. I did turn him out in the round pen again for a little bit and then... he was looking like he was contemplating making an escape so I just put him in the middle field with the others for an hour or so while I cleaned stalls. He was happy. But definitely still lame. 

I did have to giggle at him though because when Russel was working on him, he was "still dan"... trying to pull things off the barn fridge, wiggling, chewing on anything he could find. When I was adjusting him he was trying to eat my hat. And then I had put his hay in the water trough out in the patio. He decided it was too hot and he wanted it in his stall so he pulled his water trough to the door! ha ha... Smart boy! Of course then he had to walk over it and was all unhappy about that. Maybe that's how you hurt your leg dingbat! Sigh..  Oh, and when I was giving Funny her bath, he stuck his nose over and enjoyed a face shower!

Trust God

 Oooofffff... Today was hard. I don't know why it was worse today, but... I'm tired... I'm exhausted... I'm emotional... and ultimately, I'm worried about my boy. I know, scientifically, I know that he's likely going to be fine. It's likely just inflammation and irritation. He just needs time for the swelling to go down. But, it hurts my heart to see my baby boy ataxic and a bit angry still. He was maybe a hair better this morning. I took him for a little bit of grazing in the front yard. 

 

Later this evening I took him out for a little graze again and... I cheated again. I just turned him out with Lyric. I figured he was too ataxic and sore to do anything and maybe moving would help him out. Plus, I had to clean stalls and such and it's easier without him in the stall. Which, maybe that was the wrong choice. He's a bit worse perhaps. Sigh. While I was starting to panic about how maybe I've broken him forever... I saw a rainbow. Thanks God. Thank you. I desperately needed that God. I was praying that I knew I needed to just trust him. And that I knew Dan was in His hands and it would all work out how it was supposed to, whether or not that coincided with my thoughts and plans. But I was praying, nevertheless, that He heal him. And then... rainbow! Thank you God. Thank you for helping my unbelief. I love you. 

 

And... if I'm honest.. it's easy enough to give it to God and trust Him with it, because... what else can I do? Literally nothing. Well.. I guess I could panic and put him on prednisone. And I might anyways. But.. it's done. I followed what I thought God was telling me to do, so now I have to trust and let Him do His work. But it's hard for my momma heart to not worry. And it's hard because Dan is grumpy again because... (in my mind anyways) he hurts and his body isn't cooperating. But... it'll get better. I trust that it will. 

 

Home!

 Dan was in rare form this morning. He was a bit happier and definitely brighter, but... also READY TO GO HOME! He was over it. He nickered at me and then kept whuffling under his breath at me while I was talking to the docs and went to get the rig hitched up. He looked a bit less ataxic to me and seemed a bit more comfy in the front right. His swelling looked more ventral and like it had dissipated a bit. However, when we went to replace his bandage and pull his foot wraps he was cranky. He bit the poor tech (not bad, but still) and actually swung a leg at me. It was a warning shot and he didn't mean it, but still. No sir!! 

We loaded up and got on our way. He was definitely still mildly ataxic though as you could see it as he walked down the aisle and up the ramp in the trailer. I was so grateful for my trailer camera, even if it's spotty. It was nice to be able to see him and it helped me feel better that he wasn't swaying around or struggling to stay upright. I did open the side ramp window to give him more breeze as it was so hot on our way down there. Of course today was actually really quite pleasant so I probably didn't need the window down. Oh well. It created enough wind that it knocked over my camera so when I stopped for gas I fixed it. During the time I couldn't see anything, I was checking for his nose in the sideview mirror. It was so sweet because every time I was looking for him and was thinking "You okay back there buddy?" he would poke his nose out, like..."Yes mom, but thanks for checking". Awwww

We ended up making it home in 6 hours. Waze tried to save me 6 minutes by sending me around traffic off the interstate but that was a dumb idea because it sent me on a bunch of neighborhood side roads. Sigh. Not ideal for the ataxic pony. Lots of stops and turns and twists. Ugh. Oh well. 

We made it home and he unloaded safely. But he was definitely ataxic! And his poor little tricep on the right looked like it had spasmed up and was all tight. And his girth groove looked tightened up too. How bizarre?! I need to review my anatomy to see what could be causing that and how to address it. He was super glad to be home and a bit anxious about it. While I was filling up his water trough he acted like he wanted to roll so I ran out there and took him into the pasture. I didn't want him rolling in the patio and getting caught/stuck. Of course the girls immediately came up and started sniffing him. Lyric tried to bite him so he double barreled out at her. Okay, simmer down! BUT... glad you feel good enough to try and are coordinated enough to at least get somewhat off the ground without falling! 

I got everyone settled and gave him some time to chill. Then I took each girl for a quick walk and did some pillar work. I started the "walking challenge" with the riders fitness facebook page, so... if I was walking, I might as well take the girls with me. But Fleck was screaming and Dan didn't have trazadone yet, so.. we just did the culdesac briefly. Then I let Dan graze in the front yard some. No real walking as I'm sure he's exhausted but at least he got some grass. 

I'll keep praying that he rests and the inflammation improves and he gets better. 

Surgery # 2 done

Be Nice to your MOTHER! 

lots of fibrous scar tissue - trauma? tring to stabilize?  but less bleeding. better anesthesia plane. and surgery a success based on imaging. 

recovered well

BUT.... short on RF, reluctant to draw it forward. and... kind of neuro/ataxic. feels flies on his feet but having to balance himself a bit differently. wide behind. right front seems stuck, standing on front feet with other front foot, slammed into bucket. 

trying desperately not to panic.... Gods in control. It's just irritation/inflammation. More swelling in his neck base (fluids from the scope vs tissue inflammation?). probably expected just... did so well at the first surgery. 

acting fine otherwise... eating, drinking, mugging me for treats. drank and drooled on me. a bit cranky perhaps... but that could be drugs, stall rest after getting not as much restriction, hot, or... because he's mad his body isn't cooperating. 

don't panic.... God is good. God knows best. this was his worse side. good sign to not overdo it with the rehab.. don't go too quick

praying!