Oooof, today was a hard day. It's been a hard week.. month... year....
Liz came for lessons today. And the last time, we were so optimistic and excited about Dan. And this time... I knew it wasn't going to be the same. He's just... not better. And he's worse. And he's not happy or comfortable. I didn't even bother with the saddle today. I just put the bareback pad on. And he was cranky for grooming too. We hacked up to the arena and met Liz and Grace.
We talked... I didn't cry. Not yet. She felt him. And... basically ... she feels instability in the stifle. Which... is sort of what I was feeling.... I am more and more convinced that he's got some sort of medial or lateral ligament tear that's allowing his femur and tibia to slide around. It's not glaring... but it's definitely worse than he was doing. I don't know if I did too much... pushed too much... didn't wait long enough... shockwaving it angered it... renovo pissed it off... ?? But he's definitely not better. And way worse.
So we mostly talked. And he was fussy the whole time... chewing my reins... chewing on me... grabbing my shirt... fussy... he even stuck his tongue out and all we were doing was standing and talking and palpating. So I let him walk around and graze. After we chatted a bit, Liz watched him walk and felt like it confirmed what she was feeling. And then, at the end, I did a tiny bit of trot... just for confirmation. And he actually felt better than recently, but.. it was literally such a short trot. Two long sides worth.
We talked about things... how I'm extra sad because I wanted to dress him up for the halloween show... but honestly, it's not worth it to do an intro dressage test.. or even an intro CT or HT. I mean... I could.. but at this point, even trotting him feels sort of mean. And, I'm having a pity party too. I really wanted to do a second level test in a tutu. Again. I guess I should be grateful that I've done it before. As we talked... I came more and more closer to... accepting our fate. It's... over. I need to accept that and stop pushing and asking him. I need to embrace long manes and hairy coats, and bareback trail rides... and maybe we learn bridleless riding in the arena.. .maybe I teach him how to rear... we can do tricks and play games. We can do obstacles, maybe some hunter paces, poker rides, .... just.. basically enjoy him as a backyard kids pony. Do the fun things. No stress, no pressure. Sadly, I don't know that I can even retire him as a beach pony... because the beach is hard on that stifle. It hurts my heart... I'm sad for me... sad for him... sad for us. Sad that I kept pushing and stressing him. Sad that he feels my disappointment and thinks it's in him vs in the fact that I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to fix him. I'm sad that he's been so painful for so long that he's a cranky unhappy butthead now. I'm sad that I put him through so many surgeries and rehabs..... and stall rest.
But.... I'm finally able to accept it. I think. I think I can accept that I did everything I could... and that now... I'll do everything I can to make him happy. Which means... retire him to a trail pony. He likes trail rides... He likes the lake. He likes hack and snacks. I'll let his mane stay long... maybe pull his shoes.... just let him be... him. Goofy ridiculous silly boy. And maybe... we'll find some obstacle classes to go kick butt in every now and then. Maybe we'll play with some working equitation stuff later on. Maybe he'll bounce back again once I take the pressure off... or maybe he won't and I'll just have to be content with "servicably sound trail horse". sigh... "have to be content".... That sounds awful. I prayed that I could "just have a happy trail horse".... and now here I am complaining about that. God answered my prayers! It could be so much worse. But... it still sucks. I'm still currently mad, sad, grieving, frustrated, feeling defeated, feeling unloved, and also... desperately trying to hang onto hope...
Currently... I just hope that I can find peace with this... so that Dan can find peace... and go back to his happy self. I don't want him to be guarded and cranky and unhappy. I want him to enjoy being groomed. I want him to enjoy being ridden. I want him to be happy and comfortable. Of course I also want those things while also being able to do more with him, but... ultimately... I'll sacrifice those things. I've tried to have it all, and it's just not working. So... I'm trying to accept that. And find my peace with it.
I had a good talk with Jacel in my lesson tonight and that helped too. Plus my talk with Liz. And, to be honest... having the girls is helping too. Funny is making it blatantly obvious that I need to jump her and not Dan. I just... don't want to get sucked into not having time for Dan. That's not fair to him either. And sadly, it's what happened to Roany... and then to Fleck... and Dan's still soooo young. But... I do like riding trails. And we've got Charlie elliott and Hard Labor right here. Sigh... It's a struggle... and I'm sure I'll be wrestling with it a lot. I do plan to have Dr. Barrow look at him once more and re-ultrasound... maybe to just confirm my suspicions. Although I'm not sure why... nothing to be done about it... I am also pretty sure I'm going to take Lyric to see Keelin instead of Dan. I was sort of thinking Keelin could be my second opinion on Dan... and maybe I still will.. since Lyric is feeling pretty good. But... also, Lyric may benefit from things and... Dan will likely just... get confirmed what my heart is telling me.
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